


The Axeman Cometh

by CaptainDodge



Category: The Loud House (Cartoon)
Genre: Blood and Gore, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-24
Updated: 2018-05-25
Packaged: 2019-04-27 11:06:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14424099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainDodge/pseuds/CaptainDodge
Summary: When a masked maniac with an axe to grind with the Loud family comes to dinner, well... a guy's gotta do what he can to survive!





	1. "The Axeman Cometh" Official Movie Trailer

_PREVUE OF COMING ATTRACTIONS_

_(Film rating appears.)_

**_WARNING: THE FOLLOWING TRAILER IS RATED “R” FOR RADICAL._ **

_(We get a view of small-town Royal Woods, Michigan. It’s a bright, sunny day – children are laughing and playing.)_

**April Fools’ Day…**

**A time… to laugh.**

_(Close-up on a child laughing.)_

**A time… to joke.**

_(Medium shot of children laughing together.)_

**A time… to play.**

_(Long shot of children playing.)_

**A time…**

**…to _die._**

_(As children play in the distance, a shadowy figure appears in the foreground. Cut to nighttime at the Loud house. Luan is in the backyard, looking at the house. Pan-tilt to Lana’s axe, lodged in its chopping stump. A gloved hand pulls it out.)_

**This April Fools’ Day… writer and director Adam Dodge brings you a new name for terror…**

_(Pan-tilt back to Luan, who turns around, surprised. The axe is raised. Medium close-up on Luan screaming. The axe chops downwards, cutting the screaming short. Smash cut to black as violins are heard a la Psycho, while the title appears in a “drip down” effect, dripping with blood.)_

**_THE AXEMAN COMETH_ **

_(Establishing shot of the Loud house. We then see the family gathered around the dinner table.)_

**Meet the Loud family…**

**The parents, Rita and Lynn, Sr.…**

_(Medium shot of the two. Camera pans to Lincoln.)_

**...Their only son, Lincoln…**

_(Camera zooms out to view all the Loud girls.)_

**…and his ten sisters…**

_(The Loud girls’ faces flash by the screen rapidly. After the last flash, a shot of the exterior of the house. The Axeman appears, back to the camera, holding a bloody axe.)_

**Little do they know… that tonight… an unexpected guest has arrived…**

_(Cut to interior, the kitchen. Pan-tilt to the knife drawer, which the Axeman opens and retrieves a large chef’s knife from.)_

**And it may be April Fools’ Day…**

_(Cut to the Louds, still at the dinner table, talking and laughing. Suddenly, they turn to the kitchen and gasp. Starting from his feet and tilting upwards, we are introduced to the Axeman proper. He is a large, burly man clothed all in black, except for his white skull mask.)_

**...but _this_ killer… is _no joke!_**

_(The Louds scream, get up, and start running. The Axeman jumps up on the table. Lynn turns around, quick dramatic zoom on her shocked face. Quick dramatic zoom on the Axeman as he swings his axe. Blood splatters on the wall as screaming is heard. The Axeman swings his axe again. Blood splatter, more screaming. Cut to Lola, bent backwards over the footboard of a bed. The Axeman raises his axe, and as Lola screams, the axe is brought down. Blood splatter, screaming.)_

**So…**

_(Cut to Lincoln locking a bedroom door and backing away to his cowering family.)_

**_Lock… your doors…_ **

_(The Axeman begins chopping down the door, and the Louds scream. Close-up on the Axeman peering in through the hole in the door, a la The Shining. Film scratch covers cut to Mrs. Loud being pinned down by the Axeman, wielding a chef’s knife. Zoom in on Mrs. Loud’s face, then the Axeman’s knife.)_

**_Close… your eyes…_ **

_(Close-up on Mrs. Loud’s eye, which she shuts while she screams. Close-up on the knife, which is stabbed downwards, then comes back into frame bloody, with an eyeball speared on the blade. Film scratch conceals cut to the Axeman, standing over Lily’s crib.)_

**_And hide… your children…_ **

_(Zoom in on Lily in her crib, cooing and gurgling, oblivious to the danger. The Axeman raises his axe. Quick dramatic zoom on Mr. Loud reaching and yelling “NOOOOOO!” as the Axeman brings the axe down. Blood splatter on a nearby teddy bear, as Lily screams.)_

**Because…**

_(Cut to the Axeman holding a struggling Luna by the neck in front of a fire. Shot from inside the fireplace, at a canted angle, as the Axeman tries to push her in.)_

**The Axeman…**

_(Cut to Lincoln, covered in blood, standing on the roof of the Loud house, wielding a baseball bat. He turns to face the camera. Lucy is kneeling down behind him, looking vulnerable.)_

**_…is coming…_ **

_(Canted shot of the Axeman’s boot coming down, showing that he is across the roof from Lincoln. Zoom in on the Axeman, brandishing his axe.)_

**_…FOR YOU!!!_ **

_(Quick dramatic zoom on Lincoln, then the Axeman, shouting their war cries, before rushing at each other. Just as they clash, smash cut to the Axeman walking down the dark street, away from the camera, holding his axe and a severed head, dripping blood. Title drips down, covered in blood.)_

**_THE AXEMAN COMETH…_ **

**...to a theater near you, this July.**


	2. Our Feature Presentation

**Author’s Note: Hey-ho! Remember how I said that this was coming out in July? Yeah… I lied. (That was also a joke about how horror movies centered around holidays tended to miss said holidays in question – see fake “Thanksgiving” trailer from _Grindhouse_ for example.)**

**I’m Captain Dodge – thank you, and enjoy the movie!**

(…)

**NICKELODEON STUDIOS presents**

**in association with BLUMHOUSE PRODUCTIONS**

_(Establishing shot of the Loud house. Nighttime.)_

**an Adam Dodge film**

**_THE AXEMAN COMETH_ **

(…)

Today was the day before the day – the _big_ day. The day that every sane member of the Loud family dreaded. Pranksgiving. Pranksmas. Prankapalooza. Prankageddon. Pranknarok. Prank – uh, the Aprankalypse. Prank… the… uh…

Okay, it was the day before April Fools’ Day.

And in the Loud house, April Fools’ Day was a day of torment. For 364 days of the year (365 on leap years), Luan Loud was a cheerful, goofy, affable comedienne, but on the first day of April, every year, that changed. Something strange came over that girl – something that made her cruel, sadistic, and _evil._ No-one was safe on April Fools’ Day in the Loud house – not the parents, not the baby, not the pets, _no-one_. Where did this change come from? And what was it about this supposed-to-be innocuous holiday that brought it about?

No-one in her family knew – and they weren’t sure if they wanted to know, either.

In any case, it was everything the family could do to avoid her day-long vicious torrent of pranks every year. After last year’s plan backfired on them spectacularly, everyone agreed to a simpler one this year. Lisa, the resident child prodigy, was courteous enough to offer the entire family shelter in her secret bunker hidden in the backyard, and the Louds planned to cower there until April 2nd, hoping that Luan hadn’t planned for them to do so, and prepared accordingly.

The night was hectic. The Louds scrambled to gather everything essential and relocate it to the bunker – and everyone had a different idea about what constituted “essential”. Rita Loud, the mother, gathered baby supplies for Lily – formula, toys, and clean diapers, while Lynn Loud Sr., the father, brought his prized tie collection, worrying about what might happen to it. Mrs. Loud moved the supplies to the bunker, then headed upstairs to check on the kids’ progress.

 

First, she went to Lori and Leni’s room. “Lori? Leni? How’s it going in here?” she asked.

Lori, the eldest Loud daughter, had her cellphone and laptop in her arms. “Fine, Mom. I’ve got everything I need to stay in touch with Bobby. He will be my rock in the tumultuous ocean of tomorrow,” she said, swooning.

“Uh… okay. Leni?”

Leni, the next sister, came out of the closet, holding two dresses identical to the one she was currently wearing. _“Ooh…_ Mom! I need your help! Which one is better for being pranked in?” She held up both dresses for comparison.

Mrs. Loud shook her head. “No, no, Leni, it doesn’t matter. We’re not getting pranked this year.”

Leni cocked her head. “But… that’s what we say every year. And we still end up getting pranked anyways…”

Mrs. Loud thought about that, then slumped her shoulders, sighing. “Okay, fine. The…” She pointed at the dress on her right. “That one.”

Leni held up the dress, studying it. Then, she nodded. “Yeah, I can see it. Thanks, Mom!”

Mrs. Loud closed the door, shrugging, and turned around to find Luna attempting to lug her amp, speaker, and guitar behind her all at once.

“Luna, are you sure all of those will fit inside the bunker?” Mrs. Loud asked.

Luna stopped. “Mom, it’s gonna be cramped in there _without_ all this,” she said. “I’m gonna need to jam if I’m gonna be able to stay calm.”

Mrs. Loud remembered that Luna had claustrophobia, but still worried about space and power. “I understand, Luna, but –”

_“Please_ , Mom, just let me have this.” Luna looked at her mother pleadingly.

Mrs. Loud sighed. “Okay, fine. But don’t blame me if the bunker doesn’t have enough power for your guitar.” As Luna thanked her and prepared to carry on, she added, “By the way… how’s Luan today?”

Luna shook her head. “Still can’t tell. She’s smooth as jazz, man – and that freaks me right out.”

Mrs. Loud shuddered at that, then nodded and allowed Luna to carry on. She moved on to Lynn and Lucy’s room.

The two of them were coming out. Lynn had hoisted her sports bag, nearly bursting at the seams, over her shoulder without breaking a sweat. Lucy had her poetry book and her crystal ball.

“You girls got everything?” Mrs. Loud asked.

Lynn nodded. “Yep! Got all the balls I need right here,” she said, patting the sports bag.

“So do I,” Lucy said. She held her crystal ball, gazing intently into it (presumably – her eyes were covered by her hair). “Maybe this year, I can divine Luan’s intentions – keep one step ahead of her…”

“Hmm… Well, let me know if you find out anything, I guess…” With that, Mrs. Loud left Lynn and Lucy to go on to the bunker and came to Lola and Lana’s room. Lola was inside, at her vanity mirror, primping and preening.

“Lola, sweetie?” Mrs. Loud called. “Have you got your stuff?”

Lola held up her compact mirror. “All I need is this.” She posed in the mirror. “I already have everything else I need,” she said vainly.

Mrs. Loud arched an eyebrow. “Uh-huh… Okay, well… where’s Lana?”

“In the kitchen, getting snacks.” Lola rolled her eyes. “Bet she’ll eat them all herself, _again…”_

“Well, it’s only for about a day, dear. You’ll survive. And besides…” Mrs. Loud stuck her head out into the hallway, where she saw Lisa carrying some advanced physics textbooks for herself. “…Lisa’s got canned food. Don’t you, Lisa?”

Lisa rolled her eyes behind her huge eyeglasses. _“Pshaw…_ who do you think you’re talking to? The bunker has canned food, emergency blankets, rope, pepper spray, and everything else necessary for security and maintenance,” the young genius said with a heavy lisp.

_“I’m not eating gross food out of a can!”_ Lola called out.

_“Well, it’s the only food you’re getting, so you’re either eating it or starving!”_ Lisa called back.

Mrs. Loud left Lola to steam on her own, and met Mr. Loud coming back up the stairs.

“You done?” Mrs. Loud asked.

Mr. Loud nodded. “Yep. On my way to get Lily.”

As Mr. Loud went to fetch their infant daughter, Mrs. Loud moved on to the last of her children – the sole son of the family, Lincoln. She knocked on Lincoln’s door, and upon hearing his invitation inside, opened it to find him lying on his bed in his underwear, reading comics (which was a thing that he did).

“Lincoln, sweetie, shouldn’t you be getting ready for tomorrow?” Mrs. Loud asked.

Lincoln turned the page of the comic he was reading. “No.”

Mrs. Loud looked at him, confused. “What?”

Lincoln looked up at her. “I’m not going.”

Mrs. Loud started, gobsmacked. _“What?!”_ she said, louder than she had meant to, drawing the attention of the others.

Seeing this, Lincoln sighed, put down the comic, and came out into the hall. “You heard me. I’m not coming with you guys.”

Lincoln’s sisters, just as shocked as their mother, all started crying and clamoring at once, hounding him. Lori managed to shout the loudest and got the others to quiet down. She took a deep breath.

“Lincoln,” she said, _“what_ are you talking about? Are you out of your _mind?_ Tomorrow is _April Fools’ Day!_ And Lisa’s letting us all into her bunker– this is a _once-in-a-lifetime_ opportunity for us! And… And you’re just… _‘not going’?”_

The other sisters voiced their agreements with Lori, shouting and hollering at Lincoln, demanding to know what was wrong with him, but he called for quiet, then, once he had achieved it, cleared his throat.

“Look, you guys,” he said, “every year, we make plans and preparations to avoid getting pranked by Luan – and every year, those plans and preparations fail. After what happened last year, with the stunt doubles, I came to see Luan’s April Fools pranks as a… kind of a, um…” He made air quotes. _“… ‘tragic inevitability’._ Kinda like death, you know?”

The corners of Lucy’s mouth were tugged upwards. “I like the way you think.”

“So, I thought, why bother making any plans at all? This year, I’m just going to stay here, and take whatever Luan throws at me.”

The sisters stared at Lincoln, dumbfounded. Then, Lola shook her head, waving her hands back and forth.

“Wait, wait, _wait a second,”_ she said, “I-I just need to make sure I’m hearing this right. You… You _want_ to get pranked by Luan?”

“No, I don’t _want_ to get pranked by Luan,” Lincoln replied, annoyed. “But it’s going to happen, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. So why bother trying to fight it?”

“But… But… The _bunker…!”_ Leni said.

“Hey, if you guys want to hide in there, go ahead. I won’t stop you. If Luan’s figured out a way to get you in there, that’s not on me. Me? I’m done trying. I’m just going to stay here and take it. And hey, if getting pranked means that you guys don’t get pranked, then I guess it’s worth it, right?”

The others continued to stare at Lincoln for another minute or so. Then, Lynn stepped forward and put her hand on Lincoln’s shoulder, admiration glistening in her eyes.

“You’re a brave man, Lincoln,” she said, “braver than me, even.” She hugged him. “Good luck, bro.”

Lincoln patted Lynn on the back, his face deadpan. “Thanks, Lynn.”

The other sisters similarly wished Lincoln the best of luck as well, feeling unsure about his plan. As they dispersed to move to the bunker, Luna cast one last concerned look over her shoulder at him.

“…You sure you’re up for this, bro?” she asked.

Lincoln waved her off. “Ah, don’t worry about me. Whatever Luan has planned for me… I’ll survive it.”

(…)

Lincoln bathed, brushed his teeth, slipped into his pajamas, and went to bed, resigned to but ready for the next day.

The night passed quietly, and morning came peacefully. Lincoln awoke, dressed, and stood facing the door. Of course, it had to be a weekend. When April Fools’ Day occurred on weekdays, the blow was lessened somewhat by Luan pranking her schoolmates, but now, Lincoln would have to face the full brunt of Luan’s pranks.

He took a deep breath, bracing himself. “Well,” he said aloud, “like the Spanish say, _‘que sera, sera.’_ …That’s not racist, is it?”

Lincoln pondered this, then shrugged and opened the door.

The hallway looked clear… but then, it _always_ did. Carefully, Lincoln peeked out the doorway and up, but saw no bucket filled with who-knows-what hanging above the door.

Perhaps there were pranks elsewhere in the house. Bravely, Lincoln stepped outside, and then headed downstairs for some breakfast. The kitchen _looked_ normal, but any of the appliances could be rigged, or stuffed with something terrible, like garbage, or raccoons. Lincoln opened the fridge, expecting to be pranked, but found nothing except foodstuffs inside. Shrugging, Lincoln grabbed the carton of milk and poured himself a glass. He figured that the milk was probably laced with something like a laxative, but he didn’t care. Seeing as how Mr. Loud wasn’t around to cook breakfast, Lincoln simply toasted some toaster strudels and had a meager breakfast.

So far, there had been no obvious pranks, but Lincoln didn’t let his guard down. Next, he headed back upstairs to brush his teeth. The bathroom also appeared to be clear, but the sink could’ve had its faucets loosened, which would result in them coming off and spraying water everywhere when Lincoln tried to use the sink, but that was not the case. The tube of toothpaste could have had its contents replaced by anything, but to Lincoln, it just tasted like toothpaste. And any number of horrible things could have been done to the toilet, but it worked exactly the way it was designed to do when Lincoln used it.

Lincoln was beginning to become confused. Where were all the pranks? He quickly figured that Luan was going for a subtler approach this year, and he would only realize the pranks when it was too late. Shaking his head, he began to scope out the bedrooms, looking for any more pranks.

It was at that moment that he heard the front door open, then close. Footsteps came up the stairs, and Lincoln poked his head out of Lori and Leni’s room to see that they belonged to Luan. A chill ran up Lincoln’s spine, but he remained outwardly calm.

“Hey, Lincoln,” Luan said casually.

“Hey, Luan,” Lincoln replied, just as casually. He then went back to exploring the room he was in.

Luan watched him look around. “What-cha doing?”

“Hmmm… Well, first of all, where have you been?” Lincoln asked.

“I had some work I needed to do with a friend from school, so I stayed over at his place. So, what are you doing?”

“Oh, just looking around for your pranks…”

“Oh, I’m not doing any pranks this year.”

Lincoln was completely floored by this, although he couldn’t muster the energy to show it. Instead, he simply looked at Luan and said _“…What?”_ flatly.

“In fact, I don’t think I’ll ever do any April Fools’ pranks ever again.”

There was a pause. Then, Lincoln arched an eyebrow at her. “…Really?”

Luan nodded. “Really.”

Lincoln raised both eyebrows. _“…Really?”_

_“Really.”_

“Really?”

_“Really!”_

_“Really?”_

_“YES, Lincoln!”_

“I see… Well, forgive me if I totally disbelieve you.” Lincoln went back to searching.

Luan stomped her foot. “I’m _serious,_ Lincoln!”

Lincoln looked at her skeptically. “Oh, _really?”_

_“REALLY!”_

“Then tell me – what brought this on?”

Luan rubbed the back of her head. “Well, I thought about it a lot, and after what happened last year, I came to realize just how much everyone suffers because of my pranks on April Fools’ Day, and just how badly my pranks can affect them – and me, by extension. Plus, after last year, when I lost all my stuff to that van, and the year before that, when I was left stranded in the woods miles from the nearest town without any means of contacting my family while also smelling like a skunk’s butt, I began to wonder: is it _really_ worth it?”

Lincoln mulled over her words. “Hmm… Well, I guess that _does_ make sense. But how do I know you’re telling the truth?”

Luan grasped her upper arm. “I swear by my funny bone.”

Lincoln was impressed – Luan took her funny bone very seriously. “Huh… okay then, I guess you’re serious…”

“I am. Hey, Lincoln…?”

“Yeah…?”

“Do you mind… coming with me to help apologize to the others? I think they’d believe me more readily if you vouch for me.”

“…Really?”

“Really.”

Lincoln looked at Luan’s pleading face, then sighed, shaking his head. “All right. But if this is just some ploy to get them out of the bunker –”

_“It is not! Jeez_ , Lincoln, what do I have to say to convince you that I’m sorry?!”

Lincoln shrugged. “Hey, I’m just saying, you’ve been really enthusiastic about this holiday in the past…”

“And I’m hoping to change that image of me.” Luan reached out to her brother. “With _your_ help.”

Lincoln was touched. Then, a smile tugged at his mouth. _“…Really?”_

_“Lincoln!”_

Lincoln burst out laughing. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist. _Hahaha…_ All right, let’s go.”

(…)

Lincoln and Luan went out to the backyard, where Lisa’s bunker stood between the tree and the garage.

“I still have no idea where that goes the rest of the time…” Lincoln said to Luan.

“Probably underground,” Luan said.

“Hmm… probably.” Lincoln walked up and knocked on the hatch. “Guys? It’s me?”

“Lincoln! What’s up?” Lana called from inside.

“Change your mind?” Lori asked.

“No, it’s not that, um…” Lincoln looked back at Luan, who nodded encouragingly. He turned back to the bunker. “Listen, um… Luan… wants to say something.”

There was a loud collective gasp from inside the bunker.

_“Luan?”_ Leni said.

“Oh my gosh, you guys,” a horrified Lola said, “he’s on _her_ side!”

“No wonder he wasn’t scared last night!” Lori said.

“You guys, _do not listen to him!”_ said Lynn.

Lincoln knocked on the hatch again. “No, no, guys –”

_“Go away, traitor!”_ Lynn shouted.

“I’m _not_ a traitor! _Look,_ you guys, all Luan wants to do is apologize for everything she’s done to us all these years. She swears on her funny bone that she’s sorry!”

The bunker went silent. Then, all together, the rest of the family asked, _“…Really?”_

_“Really,”_ Lincoln and Luan said together.

There was a long pause, accentuated by whispering heard from within the bunker. After a while, the hatch finally opened, and the family cautiously peeked their heads out.

“Lincoln,” Mrs. Loud said, “can you vouch for Luan?”

Lincoln turned to Luan, who looked at him expectantly, then sighed as he turned back. “…I can vouch for her.”

All eyes then turned to Luan, who closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Guys,” she said, “this used to be my favorite holiday. I thought I was just having fun. But now… now I realize that I’ve been an _‘April fool’._ _Hahahahaha!_ Get it? But seriously, I’ve been a huge jerk this whole time. I never even realized it until last year, with the whole ‘moving away’ prank you pulled. I mean, I know it was just a prank, but I thought about it, and I thought, _‘it could happen’,_ you know? That’s when I realized just how much I was hurting you guys.”

“And not just us, either,” Lincoln interrupted. “You know those stunt doubles couldn’t find work after what they did for you? Apparently, back-stabbing the people who hired you isn’t very _‘professional’.”_

Luan’s expression turned even more guilty. “…Thanks for the reminder, Lincoln.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay. You’re right, I’ve been selfish, and cruel, and…” Tears started streaming down her face. “I’m sorry, you guys. I’m really, _really_ sorry… for everything. It’s not funny, it’s just hurtful. So, no more. From now on, I’m not pulling any more pranks on April Fools’ Day. Guys…” Luan clasped her hands together.

_“…can we just be a FAMILY from now on?”_

The other Louds stared at Luan. They were surprised, moved, and above all _relieved_ by what she had said. Finally, at long last, their troubles were over.

Mr. Loud, fighting back tears of his own, climbed out of the bunker and stretched his arms out. “…Sure, kiddo. _Sure.”_

Smiling, Luan happily accepted her father’s embrace. Lincoln and the others quickly joined them.

“I’m sorry, guys,” Luan repeated.

“It’s okay, sweetie,” Mrs. Loud said. “We forgive you.”

“And not a minute too soon,” Lisa said. “I don’t know how much longer I could have stayed in that bunker with you ignoramuses.”

“Oh, _you_ thought you were having a rough time?” Luna said. “I felt like I was suffocating in there!”

“And _I_ thought I was going deaf from all the music you were playing!” Lana said.

 “Luna is right – we _were_ suffocating in there!” Lola said. “Thanks to _you,_ Lynn!”

Everyone laughed at that, while Lynn shrugged. “Hey, whoever smelt it, dealt it.”

Lola scoffed. _“Ugh!_ As _if!_ A princess is too refined for that kind of behavior. Now, can we have something to eat? I’m _starving…”_

“Lola, for the last time, there was plenty of food in the bunker!” Mrs. Loud said.

“Let me rephrase that – can we have something _edible_ to eat?”

Everyone laughed again. Mr. Loud said, “Well, sweetie, I can make you a sandwich now, and later, we can celebrate this momentous occasion with _pizza!”_

The Loud children cheered. Today was a good day.

(…)

Later, Leni was curious to find Lori uncharacteristically prancing like a schoolgirl and humming merrily.

“Hey, Lori, are you, like, alright?” she asked.

Lori twirled to face her. _“Hmmm?_ Oh, why, I _couldn’t_ be better!”

“Oh, is it because of Luan?”

“Well, that too, but…!” Lori squealed excitedly. “You can keep a secret, can’t you, Leni?”

Leni nodded eagerly.

“Okay, come here…!” Lori beckoned Leni closer, then whispered in her ear. As Luna passed by, Leni said aloud:

“You and Bobby went all the way where?”

Luna turned her head, suddenly interested. _“Huh?”_

_“Shhh! Leni!”_ Lori shushed.

“Did you go on a road trip? _Cool!_ Where’d you go? Was it fun?”

“No, we didn’t go anywhere! Okay, we _did,_ but –”

“Pardon me,” Luna said, waltzing up to the two of them, “but I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation…”

Lori looked chagrined. “Oh, no…”

An excited smile spread across Luna’s face. “Lori, you _went all the way with Bobby?”_

Lori smiled as well and nodded. _“Yes!!!”_

The two of them squealed and jumped, but Leni just looked confused. “I still don’t get it. Where did you two go all the way to?”

“Leni…” Luna thought about how to explain it to her. “They… They did… They did adult cuddling. The baby-making play.”

Leni gasped as realization struck, and she too started squealing like a frightened pig along with Lori and Luna. _“O! M! Gosh,_ Lori! You have _totes_ got to tell us _everything!”_

“Yeah, dude! Give us the deets!” Luna said.

“Okay, okay!” Lori motioned for her sisters to come closer, then began her tale. “So, it was this Friday, right? Bobby was coming to visit in his new car, and I thought, seeing as how April Fools’ Day was coming up, I decided that I wanted to make a good memory to balance out the bad one. So, I told him what I wanted to do, and he didn’t say anything, and that got me worried… But then, I saw that he was driving us to Flower Ridge – or as it’s also known…”

_“…Deflower Ridge!”_ the three girls all said together, laughing.

Lori sighed dreamily. “And then… he put his arm around me, and he said, ‘Babe, I’d give you anything… and today, I’ll give you _everything.’”_

Leni and Luna were practically bouncing off the walls. “And then…?! _And then…?!”_

“…We did it in the back seat _three times!”_

The three of them squealed and bounced together, elated. Once they had all calmed down a little, Leni said, “O M _Gosh_ , Lori, that is _totes cray-cray!”_

“I know!” Luna agreed.

“Okay, but you guys, _listen!_ You _cannot_ let Mom or Dad know about this!” Lori said.

“Oh, don’t worry, sweetie, we won’t hear it from _them…”_ an adult voice behind her said.

Lori, Leni, and Luna all froze, slowly turning to see Mrs. Loud standing behind Lori.

“O- _Oh! Mom!”_ Lori grinned and waved nervously. “U-Um… _hi!”_

Mrs. Loud stared at her eldest daughter, unamused. “You girls do know that you’re being very loud, right?”

The three looked around and realized, to their intense embarrassment, that all of their younger siblings were peeking their heads out of their rooms and staring at them intently.

“Mom, what does ‘go all the way’ mean?” Lincoln asked.

“I’ll tell you when you’re older, sweetie. Now, everyone back to their rooms! The big girls need to have a little chat…”

The younger Loud children obeyed, and the eldest three were left to face their stern mother, who glared at them silently, demanding an explanation.

“O-Oh…” Lori shook her head indignantly. “D-Don’t look at me like that, Mom! I’m old enough to make my own decisions!”

“I know you are, Lori,” Mrs. Loud replied, “but are they _safe_ decisions?”

“Mom, it’s _fine!_ It was a safe day!”

“Considering the size of the family you’re in, are ‘safe days’ really so safe?”

_“Mooom…!”_

“Don’t _‘Mooom’_ me, young lady! I don’t want _you_ to end up with eleven kids of your own! Lord knows it wasn’t easy for your father and I with just _you,_ and at _your_ age now…”

“…What?”

“Oh, dang it, now _I’m_ the one saying too much! Look, Lori, if you’re going to do things like that, then play it safe. _Really_ safe. As in _protection._ Got it?”

_“Okay, Mom, yes, fine! Got it!”_

“Really?”

_“Really!”_

_“Really?”_

_“Oh my gosh, Mom, REALLY!”_

“Okay.” Mrs. Loud looked over to Leni and Luna. “And remember, that goes for you too, _got it?”_

Leni and Luna nodded meekly.

“All right.” Mrs. Loud kissed Lori on the cheek. “Love you, honey.” She turned and walked back downstairs.

Lori turned back to Leni and Luna. “Oh… my gosh… That was _SO EMBARRASSING!”_

“Tell me about it!” Luna said, laughing.

“Yeah, Lori, tell us about it!” Leni said. “How was he? Was he gentle, or rough? Tell us _everything!”_

_“Shhh!”_ Lori shushed her, then opened the door to her room and invited them both inside to continue to kiss and tell…

(…)

Nighttime came to the Loud house, and with it came dinnertime. Mr. Loud went all-out that night, ordering seven pizzas. Everyone talked, laughed, and ate together at the dinner table happily.

Luan ate her fill of pizza and then some, working on her seventh slice when she felt her cellphone buzz. She discreetly inspected it, and there was a new text message for her:

_Just about done._

Making sure no-one else was looking, she typed and sent her response:

_OK heading out now_

She stood up. _“Oof…_ I think I ate too much. I think I’m just gonna walk this off outside, in the cool air…”

Luan was excused, and she left her family happily chatting at the dinner table and slipped out the back door. There, in the back yard, she found her accomplice putting the finishing touches on the booby traps.

She pointed at the spears he was planting in the ground pointy end up beneath Lola and Lana’s window. “What are those?”

“Old fence posts, from the cemetery. No-one will miss them.” He finished planting the last spear. “They may not be very sharp, but they’ll still stick you if you land on them from that high up!”

“Right, right… And the other exits are also booby trapped?”

“Yup! Front door, windows… the only place I haven’t covered is the back door, cause, well, how else am I supposed to get inside?”

“All right, cool!” Luan said, making a mental note not to let any of her siblings try to escape out the exits lest they actually get hurt. “You got the cellphone jammer?”

“It’s in my car. Hang on.”

Luan’s accomplice left, then came back a minute later. “Okay, try your phone.”

Luan did so, finding that the screen had become glitched and corrupted, unable to be interfaced with. _“Ha!_ It works!”

“Awesome. I still have no idea where you managed to get that thing…”

“I have my ways,” Luan said slyly.

“…Okay. Say, are you sure that no-one will, you know, call the police, or anything…?”

Luan waved dismissively. “Oh, _please._ Everyone on our street knows about what happens in this house on April Fools’ Day. Heck, surprisingly often, they hear screams from this house even when it’s _not_ April Fools’ Day! Don’t worry, they’ll just think it’s more of the usual stuff.”

“Huh… You have a pretty crazy family, don’t you?”

“You don’t know the half of it!” Luan laughed.

Luan’s accomplice jerked his thumb at Lana’s axe, lodged in its chopping stump. “Hey, what’s that?”

“Hm? That? Oh, that’s my sister Lana’s.”

“Mind if I borrow it for what I’m about to do?” he asked.

“Oh, sure, go ahead! Great idea, actually! It’ll give you some serial killer _‘chops’! Hahahahaha!_ Get it?”

“…I get it.”

Luan turned to the house with a malicious smile on her face, uttering a low chuckle and rubbing her hands deviously. _“Heh, heh, heh…_ Did those _‘April fools’_ really think I would give up my favorite holiday – especially after what happened last year?” She sneered. “I swore that Mr. Coconuts _‘wood’_ be avenged… I’ve waited a whole year to put this plan into action – and now the hour is at hand! Tonight, their once-familiar home will become their prison – and _you,_ my friend, will be the menacing warden.” Luan cackled evilly. _“This will be… the best April Fools’ Day prank… EVER! Hahahahahahaha!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”_

“Yeah, yeah, that’s great, Luan,” her accomplice said. “But you know, I’ve been thinking…”

“Huh?”

Luan turned around to face her accomplice… and saw him chop his axe at her, burying the head in her skull.

_“Wouldn’t it be funnier if it WASN’T a prank…?”_


	3. The Axe Falls

Luan couldn't quite comprehend what was going on, but she still had enough mental faculties left to realize that that was because there was a hunk of metal lodged in her brain. Absentmindedly, she ordered her hand to reach up and touch it, and it managed to obey. She felt the handle, then followed it to the head. She felt like she had to say something, but she hadn't decided what before her mouth started moving.

"Wh… Wha…?"

The man in front of her, who had swung the axe at her – the Axeman – pointed at her and started laughing hysterically. "Oh, man," he said in-between laughs, "the look on your face!  _Priceless!"_  He wiped a tear out of his eye as he calmed down. "You know, I actually had my doubts about actually doing this, but now? Not anymore! This is happening, and it's gonna be  _great!"_

Luan didn't fully understand what he was saying, but she still didn't like it. She didn't like  _him._  She  _feared_  him, and she thought about her family. Her  _family!_  Somehow, Luan could sense that they were in trouble, and that they needed her help!

Luan stared at the Axeman in horror, trying to shake her head. "Nuh… No…"

"Oh, what's the matter? Surprised? Well, of  _course_  you are – I'm an even better actor than you are!" He burst into another round of laughter as he turned Luan around and started walking her up the stairs and towards the back door. "Now go on, Luan – you don't want to miss your cue!"

The Axeman gave Luan a little shove, and she stumbled into the kitchen on shaky legs. She looked around in a daze, and heard the noises coming from the other room. She had to warn… had to warn…  _them._  Who? Warn them of what? And how? Everything was getting fuzzy. And red. She tried telling herself to move toward the noises. She wanted to make her body move, but she didn't know how. Something came into her vision. What was it? It was hard to tell. She wasn't getting any closer to the noises, so she tried again. This time, the noises got a little louder. She tried again, and the room spun. Then, something collided with her face, and she heard loud, distressed noises.

The other Louds were shocked to find Luan leaning face-first against the doorway leading into the dining room with an axe stuck in her head and blood flowing from the wound, dripping down into her eye and mouth and down her nose, cheek, and chin. Lori, Leni, Luna, Lola, and Mr. and Mrs. Loud all screamed. Lori, Lynn, Lincoln, and Lisa all yelped, startled, while Lucy and Lana gaped silently.

Mrs. Loud bolted up.  _"Oh my God! Luan! What happened?!"_  she cried.

Luan's father and siblings also got out of their seats and cried out, terrified for her. Luan remembered that she had to tell them something about someone back from where she came from, so she pointed in a direction she hoped the person was and tried to make her mouth form words.

"Ah… bah… guh…" she babbled listlessly.

Lori got up and ran in front of everyone, waving her hands in the air.  _"Hey! Wait a minute, WAIT A MINUTE!"_  she shouted.  _"Hold it, you guys!_  Don't you see what's going on?!" Scowling, she pointed an accusatory finger at Luan. "It's  _another prank!_  Luan  _lied!_  She's not giving up April Fools' Day – she was just getting us to drop our guard!" She turned her angry gaze to Lincoln. "And  _you!_  You said that it was okay – that we could trust her! I  _knew_  you were on her side! I swear, when this is over, you're going to wish that I  _only_  twisted you into a human pretzel!"

The Axeman, who had crept into the kitchen behind Luan, could barely suppress his giddy laughter at how wrong, but also how  _right,_  she was. As he put on his skull mask, he realized one glaring flaw in his plan – he was unarmed! The axe was still with Luan, and he couldn't go out there just yet! Who knew how long it would take to pry that thing out of that girl's skull? There were so many of them, he needed some sort of advantage! The Axeman looked around, panicked, but then remembered that he was in the kitchen. He quickly regained his calm, thanking his lucky stars, then opened the drawer closest to him, looking for a weapon. He struck it lucky again – he had stumbled upon the knife drawer first. Pulling out a large chef's knife, he gripped it tightly, waiting for the right moment to strike.

Meanwhile, an addled Luan was desperately trying to explain the situation to Lori as best she could. "N…  _Nuh…! Duhn…!"_

"Oh, come on, Luan,  _give it up!"_ Lori said. "You're not fooling anyone  _this_  time!"

"Lori, what are you talking about?!" Leni said.  _"Look at her!"_

" _Guys! COME ON!_ Don't you get it?! It's  _not real –_  Luan's just playing another prank on us!"

"But… But she's _bleeding!_   _There's an AXE in her head!"_

" _It's FAKE!_   _It's just a PROP and MAKEUP! Look!"_  Lori grabbed the axe and yanked on it, pulling Luan towards her. Lori's snarl deepened, and she yanked harder, again tugging Luan forwards. Luan could barely keep her balance. A third try had just as much success. Growling furiously, Lori put her hands on her hips. "Okay, so that's stuck on really tight. But you're still not fooling  _us,_  Luan!  _Not again!"_  She jabbed a finger at Luan, who continued to stare blankly at her. "We've  _had it_  with you and all the torture you put us through every April Fools' Day, all right?! You think you can just manipulate us like this – pretend you're sorry for everything you've done, and then yank the rug out from under us? You think you can get away with that forever?! Well,  _not tonight! Not EVER again!_  We're drawing the line  _here,_  Luan! As of now, we're _cutting you off! Disowning you!_  As of now, you are  _no longer a member of this family! YOU GOT THAT?!"_

Luan didn't get it. She didn't even know what was happening anymore. All she knew was, she felt like she was floating. And the room was getting dark. Really dark.

_Too_  dark.

Luan's eyes rolled back into her head, and she collapsed to the floor.

Everyone besides Lori gasped, staring wide-eyed at Luan's body lying on the floor. Lori still wasn't convinced.

"Guys," she said, "she's  _just. Faking it."_  She raised her foot. "Luan,  _get up!"_

She kicked Luan's body. It didn't move.

"I said  _GET UP!"_

She kicked the body again. It still did not move.

" _LUAN!"_

Lori kicked Luan's body a third time, much harder. This time, the body twitched and jerked violently.

Lori pointed decisively. "Okay,  _there! See? See?!_  She  _moved!"_

Lucy started shaking. "Lori…" she said, "I know a postmortem spasm when I see one. And  _that… was a postmortem spasm."_

Lori looked at her. "What…?" As the realization dawned on her, she started breathing heavily as well. Shaking, she managed to grasp the axe handle and give the axe one last solid yank. Loosened by her earlier attempts, the axe came out of Luan's skull, dripping blood, bone fragments, and brain matter.

Lori gasped and gave a quiet cry. She knelt and put two fingers on Luan's neck. There was no pulse.

Everything suddenly became crystal clear to Lori. She stood up. "Y… You guys…" She looked at the others, completely horrified.

"… _She's LITERALLY_ _ **DEAD!"**_

It was at this moment that the Axeman chose to make his entrance proper, leaping out of the kitchen to stab Lori in the nape of the neck. The blade sliced clean through her spinal cord and pierced her larynx on the other side, killing her almost instantly. The Louds jumped and screamed as Lori's body crumpled to the floor next to Luan's and the Axeman withdrew the knife, stooping to pick up his axe. Earlier, the Louds had all been distracted by Luan's startling entrance, and thus had not noticed the burly man dressed all in black with the exception of his white skull mask lurking just inside the kitchen, but they certainly saw him now, and shrank under his intimidating presence.

Smiling beneath his mask, the Axeman leered at the Louds, and whispered:

" _Boo."_

All hell broke loose, as the Louds screamed at the top of their lungs and began to run around the dining room in a blind panic. Reveling in the chaos, the Axeman leapt onto the table and started swinging his axe at whoever came too close. One swing missed Lincoln's head by inches; another swing sliced Luna's arm. One swing knocked Lola's tiara off her head; another chopped into the back of a chair. Starting to get frustrated with his lack of progress, the Axeman decided to literally throw his weight around, and dove off the table at the next person to run by, who happened to be Mrs. Loud. Tackling her to the floor and pinning her there with his weight, the Axeman held his knife in the air, while she looked up at him in terror.

"Don't look at me like that!" the Axeman shouted.

Mrs. Loud screamed and shut her eyes, but this couldn't defend her from the Axeman's attack. He thrust the knife downwards and stabbed her in her left eye, twisting and wrenching the blade around in the socket as she screamed in agony.

Lynn heard the screams and was shaken enough to regain control of herself, turning to see the grisly deed in action.  _"Mom,_   _NO!"_  she cried.

The Axeman withdrew the blade, coated in blood, viscous fluid, and brain matter, with Mrs. Loud's eyeball impaled on the tip. The Axeman pulled the eyeball off the blade, and managed to stab Mrs. Loud a few more times in the neck and collarbone before Lynn rammed into him.

" _Fuck you, you fucking psycho!"_ Lynn screamed.

Nearly in hysterics, Lynn unleashed a desperate flurry of punches and kicks, forcing the Axeman backwards and away from Mrs. Loud. Seeing this frantic act of bravery made the other Loud children stop running around in terror and watch her in awe, too shocked to do anything else. Mr. Loud took advantage of the distraction and helped Mrs. Loud struggle to her feet, and she leaned on him weakly, staining his shirt red.

Meanwhile, Lynn had forced the Axeman against the wall. She was strong for her age, and the Axeman knew that she would wear him down eventually unless he went on the offensive. He saw his opening when Lynn wound up for a hard kick, and when she threw it, the Axeman grabbed her by the ankle with one hand.

"You pack a mean punch, girlie…" he said. He used his other hand to swing his axe in an overhead arc, bringing it down hard between Lynn's neck and collarbone.

"… _but I pack a mean AXE!"_  He laughed evilly.

Lynn coughed up blood as she looked at the axe lodged in her neck. She feebly grasped the handle, and realized that her card had been punched.

"G… Guys…" she said with her mouth filling with blood,  _"…run."_

The Axeman pulled out the axe, and blood sprayed from the open wound, splattering all over Lynn, the Axeman, and the nearby wall. The Axeman released Lynn, who fell to the floor convulsing in her death throes, and turned his gaze to the rest of the horrified family. As she realized what was happening, Leni screamed and ran, and the others quickly followed her. Mr. Loud came at the back of the herd, practically dragging Mrs. Loud alongside him.

"Quick, everyone,  _upstairs!"_  Mr. Loud shouted.

Mrs. Loud felt weak and woozy. She could feel the blood gushing out of the struck vein in her neck, and heard the heavy footsteps of the Axeman behind her. She could still see Mr. Loud supporting her with her one good eye, and she saw how much he was struggling. She knew she was slowing him down, and she could feel herself fading. There was only one way out left for her – and she was determined not to bring her husband down with her.

Mrs. Loud put one hand on her husband's cheek. "L… Lynn…"

"D-Don't talk, honey, don't talk!" Mr. Loud said. "E-Everything's going to be –"

"… _Keep the kids safe."_

With that, Mrs. Loud used what little strength she had left to wrench herself from her husband's grasp. She wheeled around to face the Axeman, as Mr. Loud turned in surprise.

"R-Rita?!"

Mrs. Loud threw herself at the Axeman, who headbutted her backwards into the TV, knocking it off its stand and sending it crashing to the floor. Before she could even try to get up, the Axeman followed up with a vicious downward chop, burying the axe in Mrs. Loud's stomach.

" _Rita!"_

Upstairs, Lincoln called out, "Dad,  _come on!"_  He looked downstairs and saw the Axeman hacking his mother to pieces. It was horrifying, and it chilled him to the bone, but he still had the rest of his family to look out for, so he ran back downstairs, grabbed his father by the hand, and dragged him upstairs, yelling  _"COME ON!"_

Lincoln and his father came to the head of the stairs, where his remaining sisters were frantically running back and forth. By Lisa's quick thinking, the sisters were closing every door in an effort to confound the Axeman even for a moment. When the last door was closed, Leni rushed into the nearest room, which was Lola and Lana's, and the others followed her in, with Lincoln shutting and locking the door behind them.

Once inside, everyone quieted down as much as possible, in mortal fear of the Axeman hearing them.

Lucy clung to her big brother, quiet as the grave, and Lincoln held her close, warily watching the door.

Leni was in tears, quietly sobbing about how her mother was dead, Lori was dead, Lynn was dead…

The twins clutched each other tightly, shivering, whispering to their father,  _"Daddy, we're scared…"_

Mr. Loud shook his head hard, trying to banish the thoughts of his now-dead wife and daughters, recalling Mrs. Loud's last words to him. He hugged the twins protectively, whispering,  _"Shhh…_  It's okay, girls. Everything's going to be okay…"

And Luna clamped one hand over her open wound, and tried not to think about how it felt as though the walls were closing in…

_Thump… Thump… Thump…_  The Louds heard footsteps shaking the entire house, and knew that the Axeman was coming. Outside, the Axeman came to the top of the stairs, and looked around the hallway. Seeing all the closed doors, he smiled.

" _Oho,_  so it's going to be hide-and-seek, is it?" he said aloud. "Well, ready or not,  _here I come!"_

The door to Lori and Leni's room was opened first, and as the Axeman began to search from room to room, Lincoln urged the others to call 9-1-1 in a voice barely above a breath. Leni and Luna, who still had their cellphones, pulled them out – but they quickly discovered that something was wrong.

Leni shook her cellphone, confused as to why it was not working.  _"You guys, there's something wrong with my cellphone!"_  she whispered.

" _Mine, too!"_  Luna added.  _"I can't get it to work!"_

" _Oh my gosh, you guys, what are we gonna do?!"_  Leni said.

Luna's head started swimming. It was getting hard to breathe, and she could have sworn the room was smaller than it was a minute ago. Her siblings and father all crowding around her only made the room feel even smaller. Luna started fidgeting. She desperately wanted her guitar with her right now to play the tension away, but it was in her room, and even if she had it, playing it would only give everyone away. She heard the Axeman lumbering about outside, and she knew that it was only a matter of time until he found them huddled up in their tiny, suffocating room.

Luna looked around frantically. She was trapped. There was no way out.

No way… except…

Luna laid her eyes upon the window. Of  _course_  – that was the way out!  _"Dudes!"_  she said, louder than she had meant to, and as everyone turned to glare at her, chagrined, she covered her mouth.  _"Dudes…"_  she said again, this time whispering,  _"I've got an idea!"_  She pointed at the window.  _"The window – we can get out through there!"_

Everyone looked at the window, and Mr. Loud nodded.  _"Okay… Okay! Good thinking, Luna!"_  He urged Lola and Lana forwards.  _"You two go first!"_

" _Wait, hold on!"_  Leni said.  _"Isn't that dangerous?"_

" _Yeah, I mean, it's really high up…"_  Lola said.

" _Maybe we could make a rope out of bedsheets?"_  Lincoln suggested.

" _There's no time for that!"_ Lisa said.

" _Well, how are we supposed to get down, then?"_  Lucy said.

" _We're just gonna have to jump, dudes!"_

" _But –"_

" _Have you got any better suggestions?!"_

At that moment, the doorknob jiggled. The Louds all gasped and clapped their hands over their mouths, trying not to breathe. Outside, realization dawned on the Axeman.

Of all the doors in the hall… only this one was locked.

" _Aha…"_  The Axeman stepped back, hefting his axe. "Little pigs, little pigs,  _let me in…!"_

He swung the axe hard, chopping deep into the door. The Louds all screamed, knowing that they had been found.

" _Okay!"_  Lincoln shouted. _"Okay, we're going! Come on!"_

As he and his younger sisters headed for the window, Luna cut them off.  _"Dudes! Wait!"_  She hesitated. "Maybe… I think  _I_  should go first!"

"What?  _No!"_  Mr. Loud stepped forward. "Luna, let your younger siblings go first. Then you can go!"

The Axeman chopped the door again. The Louds all jumped and screamed. Luna grabbed her father's shirt and looked at him beseechingly. "No, no, no, Dad, _Dad!_  Y-You don't understand! I-I  _have_  to go first, I… I-I-I've got experience from stage dives! I'll go, and then I can catch the others when it's their turn!"

Another chop. The door was starting to give. Lincoln shook his head hard.  _"Why are we still discussing this?!_ Lisa, just  _go!"_

Lisa ran up to the window, but Lola stopped her.  _"No!_ No way!  _I'm_ going first!"

" _I'm_  the youngest!" Lisa argued.

" _Someone just GO!_  We're running out of –" Another chop made Lincoln jump.  _"– time!"_

"At this rate, there'll only be time for  _one_  of us to escape!" Lisa said.

Luna raised her hand.  _"I'll_  go! I'll go, and I'll get help!"

One last chop chopped a hole in the door large enough for the Axeman to peer through – and large enough for him to reach through and unlock the door from the other side.

As Lola screeched  _"HE'S GETTING IN!"_  Luna froze up. She was hyperventilating, and her heart was beating faster than a drum set during a drum solo. Luna's fight-or-flight instinct kicked in – and she chose flight.

" _DUDES!_ _ **MOVE!"**_

Luna ran to the window, shoving Lola and Lisa out of the way, opened it, and jumped out.

Just as she cleared the window frame, the Axeman opened the door and strolled into the room. Although he was scared out of his mind, Lincoln knew that he had to buy time for his little sisters to escape.

"Y-You're too late!" he said, pointing at the window. "Luna's gone, and she's going to get help! J-Just  _give up!_  You're  _busted!"_

The Axeman looked at the window, then pointed at it.  _"…That_  window?"

Lincoln didn't like where this was going. "Yes…?"

The Axeman uttered a low, knowing laugh. That unnerved Lincoln. Why was he laughing?

"… _Are you sure about that?"_

Lincoln heard Lola scream. He turned around to see her jump away from the window, covering her eyes and crying. Mr. Loud peered out the window, gasped, and shooed Lucy, Lana, and Lisa away from it, not letting them look. Lincoln rushed past his father and looked… and his heart dropped into his stomach.

Luna was hanging in the air, impaled on a cluster of spears.

One spear stabbed through her left bicep; another pierced her right thigh. One spear was pierced through her cheek, jutting out her mouth. Luna reached up with her free hand and grasped the spear in her mouth in a vain attempt to free herself from it. When that failed, she reached down… and it was only then that Lincoln saw the fourth spear sticking out of the center of her abdomen.

This wound was bleeding hard. Luna grasped this spear as well, trying to either remove it or staunch the flow of blood. Both efforts were useless. Luna started coughing, choking on the blood filling her mouth. She looked up, sharing one last despairing look with Lincoln before she slumped, unmoving.

Lincoln felt the tears splash onto his hand before he felt them in his eyes or on his face. He heard the Axeman's cruel chuckling again, and turned back to him full of dread.

" _Awww…"_ the Axeman said mockingly, "I guess your little escape plan is  _'out the window'!"_

As the Axeman laughed, Lincoln looked around the room in utter desperation. There was only the door, covered by the Axeman, and the window, covered by the booby trap. Only now did he realize just how hopeless the situation truly was for him and his remaining family.

They were trapped in the room… with  _him._


	4. The Axeman Unmasked

The Axeman took one step forwards, savoring the Louds' cringing in terror. Lucy wept silently, hiding behind her brother. Leni sobbed helplessly, lowering her head and raising her arms in a pathetic attempt at defense. Lola and Lana were also crying, clinging to their father, who held them tightly. And Lisa looked only mildly dismayed, but the Axeman looked past her stoic exterior and saw the mortal dread in her eyes. He grinned sadistically as he watched the surviving Louds cower before him.

It was glorious.

Lincoln trembled, fighting to remain calm and anticipate the Axeman's next move. The only thing on his mind was his sisters – he was too surprised and in too much of a panic to protect them earlier, but now he knew that he had to keep them safe, no matter what. So, he stood firm, ready and waiting for the Axeman to make a move.

But Lincoln never could have predicted what the Axeman did next. To his surprise, the Axeman slid his axe into his belt, leaving it hanging at his side. Then, he took another step forward, staring down at Lincoln.

"I don't think we've been properly introduced," the Axeman said. He grinned beneath his mask. _"Hi, Lincoln."_

That made Lincoln's blood run cold. "H… How…  _How do you know my name?"_

"Same way I know that  _you're_  Leni;  _you're_  Lucy;  _you two_  are Lola and Lana; and _you_  must be little Lisa. And _you_ , of course, are Lynn, Sr." He pointed to each of the Loud sisters and their father in order, and they all shuddered fearfully, wondering how he knew so much about them. The Axeman shrugged. "Ah, but names are too personal. I think I'll just stick with  _'kiddo', 'girlies',_ and  _'old man'._  As for me…" He patted the axe at his side. "You can just call me 'Axeman'."

Lincoln was dumbstruck, but he also needed answers. So, he forced the words out. "Wh… Who are you…? Wh-What do you  _want_  with us?"

"Right now?" The Axeman chuckled, walking over to Lola's bed and sitting on it. "I just want to talk. That's all." He pointed downwards. "Now everyone  _sit down."_

The Louds hastily obeyed. The Axeman smiled as he relished the power he commanded over them. Killing the helpless Louds was enjoyable enough – toying with them was the icing on the cake. Without warning, he removed his mask.

The Louds, stunned, got their first real look at their tormentor. The Axeman kept on smiling, amused by the way the Louds gaped at him. He looked at Lincoln.  _"Hey."_

Lincoln jumped.

"Hey, kiddo. I know what you're thinking." The Axeman pointed at him. "You're trying to memorize every little detail of my face for the police, aren't you?"

Lincoln's eyes widened, but he did not respond. The Axeman's smile disappeared, and he drew his chef's knife out of his belt.  _"Aren't you?"_

The Louds shuddered, as Leni cowered on her own, Lola and Lana clung to their father, and Lucy clutched Lincoln's shirt tightly. Shakily, Lincoln replied, "W-W-Well, why not? Y-You're the one who t-took off your mask…"

The Axeman leaned back, laughing. "Ah… but that's assuming you'll  _live_  to talk to the cops…"

Leni and the twins cried even harder. Lucy buried her face in her brother's shirt, her tears staining the fabric. Mr. Loud clutched his twin daughters closely and stared down the Axeman. "Who  _are_  you?" he asked. "What do you  _want_  with us?"

The Axeman simply smiled, laying his knife across his lap. He pointed at his face. "Look at me." He looked around the room and saw that not everyone was looking.  _"Look at me._  Go on. Take a good, long look." He waited a while, then asked, "What do you see?"

Lincoln looked confused. "Huh…?"

"What do I  _look like_  to you?"

Lincoln squinted, carefully studying the Axeman's face. He had short brown hair, brown eyes, a round face and chin, and a regular nose and lips. There was nothing at all remarkable about his appearance.

Lincoln shook his head, not understanding. "U-Um…"

"Do I look like a  _murderer_  to you?" the Axeman clarified. "A  _killer?_  A  _butcher?_  A…  _slasher?"_  His smile soured when no-one answered. "Well?  _Do I?"_

Lincoln and the others quickly shook their heads.

"No, of course not." The Axeman put his mask back on. "How about  _now? …Well?!"_

Everyone nodded, Leni uttering a terrified squeak.

The Axeman took off his mask again and held it up, admiring it. "You know… we  _all_  wear masks. Every day. We – most of us – we wake up, and we greet our friends, our families, and the world with smiles on our faces!" He chuckled, tracing the mask's toothy grin. "Ah… but if all those people could see what was underneath our masks… they'd  _scream._  Oh, how they'd scream…"

He put his mask aside and picked up his knife, standing up. He pointed the knife at Lucy, making her flinch.  _"You._  I know you. You're the dark one, always so doom and gloom…" He took one step forwards.

"H- _Hey!_  D-Don't touch her!  _Leave her alone!"_  Lincoln shouted, holding Lucy protectively.

"Relax, kiddo. When the blood starts spilling again, you'll know.  _…Maybe."_  The Axeman knelt to Lucy's level. "You don't wear a mask, do you, girlie? You aren't hiding anything…" He raised his eyebrows at her. "Or  _are_  you?" He started laughing. "Oh, man, if this is what you look like on the  _outside,_  I can't even  _imagine_  what you look like on the  _inside…"_

As the Axeman laughed, Mr. Loud gritted his teeth, angry at the way he was bullying Lucy. "You didn't answer my question!" he said.

The Axeman suddenly stopped laughing and pointed the knife directly at Mr. Loud, making him jump.  _"Hey!_  Don't get snippy with me, old man! I could get  _stabby_  with  _you,_  if  _that's_  what you want!" He smirked, pointing the knife at Lucy. "Or maybe you want me to get stabby with another one of your daughters? Or maybe even your  _son…?"_  He pointed the knife at Lincoln.

His resolve and courage having evaporated, Mr. Loud shook his head, quavering. "N-N-No… please…"

The Axeman lowered the knife. "I'm getting there, old man. Hold your horses." He returned to the foot of Lola's bed. "Of course, it's not all about the face. There's also  _these_ to consider…" He flexed his muscles.  _"Heh…_  my dad always said I was built to play football. I'm good, but it always frustrated me how I wasn't allowed to  _really_  hurt the other players. So, I took out my frustrations on him – and my mom, too."

Lincoln thought about the way the Axeman said that, and a horrified look spread across his face. "You… You  _killed your parents?"_

"Yep. Did it before I came here." He looked at Lincoln. "I don't answer to  _anyone,_  kiddo. Not anymore. Not the  _law,_  not my  _parents…_  and definitely not  _Luan."_

That surprised Lincoln.  _"Luan?"_

"Yeah – whose idea do you think this was?" The Axeman chuckled, leaning back. "She planned it all out – the concept, the execution, the isolation from the outside;  _everything._ It was going to be her best April Fools' prank yet – all she needed was someone to play the killer. So, she went to Royal Woods High and picked out the first big guy she spotted – enter  _me._  She paid me in advance – but I would've done it for free!" He laughed again.  _"Sucker."_

Lincoln's mind was reeling. "W… Wait… This… This was all Luan's idea?"

"Yeah. Your sister sure does enjoy her April Fools' Days, doesn't she? Or should I say, she  _did…"_

"But… But you –!"

"Killed her? Yeah, I know what I did – you don't have to remind me." The Axeman leaned forward, scratching his chin. "See, thing is… I've been fantasizing about doing something like this for a long time. And when your sister came to me with her little plan, well…" He shrugged, smiling. "…the opportunity was just too good to pass up. So, I took her plan, and made it my own." He held up his mask. "Ah, poor Luan… She was too busy seeing  _this…"_  He gestured to his stocky body. "…when she should have been paying attention to  _this."_  He pointed at his face. "Maybe she would have figured out…" He pointed at his mask. "…that  _this_  was my  _real_  face." He shrugged. "Or maybe not. I don't know – and I guess I never will, either."

Lincoln shook his head at the Axeman, aghast. "What… What do you want from us?"

The Axeman simply smiled in response, standing up and walking over to Leni, who was still sitting where she was, too afraid to move. She shrank as the Axeman loomed over her.

"Hey," the Axeman said. "Look at me."

Leni kept her head bowed.

" _Look at me!"_

Slowly and reluctantly, Leni raised her head to look at the Axeman. "Do I scare you, girlie?" he asked.

Leni only whimpered in response. The Axeman's face twisted into a snarl. "I'm getting  _real_  tired of having to repeat myself…" He drew his knife and waved it in Leni's face.  _"Do I scare you, girlie?! Huh?! DO I?!"_

Leni nodded frantically.  _"Yes! Yes!"_  she shrieked.

The Axeman pressed the knife's edge against her cheek. "Do you want to die, girlie?"

Leni tried not to shiver, her eyes riveted on the knife. "N-No… please…"

The Axeman slowly drew the knife away from Leni's face and lowered it to her chest, pressing the point against her sternum. "You see this, girlie? You  _feel_  this?" He applied a small amount of pressure. "I could kill you  _right now_ – shove this hunk of steel right through your heart. All it would take… is a little  _push."_  He pressed harder, drawing blood.

Leni tried to pull away, but the Axeman grabbed her with his other hand and forced her to remain where she was. She shook her head hard, her long golden hair flying everywhere.  _"NO! No, PLEASE! Please, NO! I-I don't…! I don't want to…! NO!"_

Mr. Loud fell forward, prostrating himself before the Axeman.  _"No!_ Please, sir, don't do it! I'll do anything!  _Anything! ANYTHING!"_

The Axeman listened to the Louds' pleas, drunk with glee. After half a minute, he withdrew his knife from Leni's chest and let her go. As Leni and the others breathed sighs of relief, the Axeman sat back down on the bed.

The Axeman pointed at Leni, looking at Lincoln. "You see that?" he said.  _"That's_  what I want from you. That right there."

For a full minute, everyone sat in silence, too shocked to say anything. Then, someone scoffed. Everyone followed the noise to its source, which was Lisa, who had a disgusted look on her face. "That's it?" she said.  _"That's_  your motive for mass murder? Not an abusive or neglectful childhood, or even bullying by your peers? Just sadism, plain and simple?  _Please._ You shouldn't deprive others of the gift of life just because you're not human enough to see its worth in others! I may conduct experiments on my siblings, but at least I still recognize them as family! At least I know what 'family'  _means!"_  She folded her arms. "Life is wasted on people like you."

The others, awed by Lisa's speech, turned back to the Axeman, afraid of his response. However, the Axeman did not immediately respond, or even betray the slightest sense of anger. Instead, he simply stared at Lisa with a neutral expression on her face. After a few moments, he smiled.

"Say," he said, "Luan told me about you, just like everyone else. You're the one with the big brain, right?"

Lisa stared at the Axeman, confused as to how to respond. "Uh…"

"That's good – gives me a bigger target." The Axeman grabbed his knife, stood up, briskly walked over to Lisa, and stabbed at her left eye. The blade pierced through the thick eyeglass lens and plunged into her eyeball.

Lisa stared blankly ahead with her remaining eye as blood started gushing out from beneath the lens of the other eye, trying to register the pain. She reached up, felt the blade, and realized that there was indeed a knife stabbed into her eye.

The pain signals finally reached her brain. "Ah…  _Ah…!"_

As Lisa screamed, her siblings and father screamed along with her, as they realized what had just happened. The Axeman grabbed Lisa by the collar and hoisted her into the air.

"You might be smart, girlie," he said, "but you're still a little  _squirt!"_

Mr. Loud and Lincoln both got up, shaking the twins and Lucy off of them respectively, and charged at the Axeman. Seeing this, the Axeman grabbed Lisa by the legs and swung her at them. Lisa's head smashed into Mr. Loud's, and he fell over on top of Lincoln, knocking them both down. The Axeman looked at the dazed Lisa once, then flipped her over and swung her at the ground, face-first. The impact drove the knife into Lisa's eye socket all the way to the handle, piercing deep into her brain.

Lisa twitched and jerked, then stopped moving. The Axeman checked to make sure she was dead, then used his foot as leverage as he withdrew the knife from her head. Wiping the blade off on Lisa's turtleneck, he returned to Lola's bed as the other Loud children helped their father back to a sitting position.

The Axeman raised his eyebrows and held up his hands daringly. "Does anyone  _else_  want to try insulting me?" he asked.

Mr. Loud covered his face with one hand, weeping. Another one of his daughters had just been killed in front of him, and he couldn't do anything about it. Lincoln, Lucy and the twins consoled him as best they could, but it was an abysmally small comfort.

"That's what I thought." The Axeman tucked his knife back into his belt, shrugging. "Yeah, I'll admit, I don't have much of an excuse. But then… does it really matter?" He shook his head, chuckling, before shrugging again. "All right. That's it. I'm done. You can go."

Lincoln blinked. The Axeman was just full of surprises. "Wh… What…?"

"That's it. That's everything I wanted to say." He nodded at the door. "Now go on. Get out of here. Go ahead. I won't stop you."

Lincoln and the others stayed where they were, thinking it over. It was a trick – it  _had_  to be! He had already insinuated that he was going to kill them all – there was no way he was simply going to let them leave! But if they stayed, what would happen then? They would still be in the house with a huge, homicidal man – whatever he had planned for them, it wasn't pretty. Neither option was appealing in the slightest. So what would they do?

Everyone wondered this… except for Leni. She had never had the brains for thinking about these kinds of things, so for her, the solution was maddeningly simple. She didn't want to die – she didn't want her family to die either, of course, but they had died anyways, and right now, she was too afraid for herself to think of anyone other than herself. Now, this man – this terrifying man in front of her – had offered to let her go free. It was a very generous offer, and Leni didn't have the time or the wits to think about any possible catches or drawbacks.

And so, without warning, she got up and darted out of the room.

"No – Leni,  _no!"_  Lincoln shouted.

He was too late – Leni was out the door and out in the hallway, making a beeline for the stairs. The Axeman watched her go, laughing knowingly again, and got up, grabbing his mask and putting it back on. The Louds all got up and ran past him to the stairs, where they were just in time to see Leni throw the front door open and run into three piano wires strung across the door frame.

The nearly invisible, high-tensile wires cut deep into Leni's eyes, neck, and abdomen and bounced her backwards, and she fell to the floor. Blinded, Leni gasped and choked as she attempted to staunch the flow of blood from the slit in her neck while also trying to prevent her guts from being pushed out of the slit in her belly. She failed to do either.

The Axeman walked past Leni's horrified family and down the stairs to her, clucking his tongue.  _"Tsk, tsk, tsk…"_  He shook his head. "Poor, stupid girlie. You know, some people might hate me for this, but I personally believe that I'm doing the gene pool a favor."

And with that, he raised his heavy boot, and stomped Leni's face in.

The surviving Louds watched the graphic scene from upstairs, then huddled together fearfully. "W-We're trapped… _We're trapped…"_  Lola sobbed.

"W-What are we gonna do?" Lana said.

Lucy clung to her older brother. "Lincoln," she said, "I-I know I talk a lot about death, but… b-but I would never wish it on anyone, especially not my family…" She buried her face in Lincoln's shirt. "I'm so scared, Lincoln…  _I don't want to die…"_

Lincoln hugged Lucy tenderly. "And we  _won't,"_  he promised. He made Lucy look at him. "We're getting out of here.  _Alive."_

"But…  _how?"_  Lucy asked.

Lincoln thought about the situation carefully.  _"Hmm…_ All right, let's just assume for right now that all the exits are booby trapped. So, let's think – how did the Axeman get in?"

Everyone thought hard – there was no time to lose. After a few moments, Lana remembered something.

"He came in through the kitchen, didn't he?" she said.

Lincoln snapped his fingers. "That's it! The  _backdoor!_   _That's_ our way out of here!"

"Or he could have been hiding in the basement," Lucy said. "If what he said was true, and this was Luan's idea, she could have prepared in advance."

"But then, who set up the traps?" Lana wondered.

"It could have been Luan!" Lola said.

"No, we would have seen her!" Lincoln shook his head.  _"Ugh!_  Okay, look, the back door isn't the safest bet. Where else can we go?"

Everyone thought hard again. Then, Lucy got an idea.

"The  _air_   _vents!"_  she said. "They lead outside! We can use them – the Axeman can't follow us through there!"

"Okay, good! Good idea, Lucy!" Lincoln said. Then, he shook his head upon realizing something. "Oh, wait, Dad can't follow us there, either!"

Mr. Loud, concussed from the blow to his head earlier, was having trouble following the flow of conversation, but he managed to gather that the kids were planning on using the vents, which he knew he couldn't fit into. He shook his head. "Kids… if you can get out… then  _go._  Don't… Don't worry about me…"

Lincoln adamantly shook his head.  _"No!_ We are  _not_  leaving you, Dad!"

"But what are we going to do?!" Lola asked.

Lincoln agonized over the dilemma, looking for a solution, then got another idea. "Guys! I've got it! We'll split up – Dad will try the back door, and the rest of us will use the vents!"

"But… wait, what if the vents' exit is booby trapped, too?" Lucy wondered. "And how will Dad get past –"

" _Helloooo?"_ the Axeman called mockingly from downstairs. "What's going on up there?"

In a hushed tone, Lincoln said,  _"We're just gonna have to risk it. And if the back door isn't trapped, Dad can check if the vents are trapped, too!"_

"Really?  _No-one's_  trying to escape? Even though I said you could all go?" The Axeman laughed cruelly. "I guess you  _really_  want me to kill you all, then…"

Lana, infuriated by the Axeman's taunts and his brutal murdering of her mother and sisters, snapped and ran out for the Axeman to see before her siblings and father could stop her, yelling  _"Fuck you, you fucking psycho!"_

The Axeman shook his head, clucking his tongue again.  _"Tsk, tsk, tsk…_  Those were some bad words, girlie. Where did you learn that?" He drew his axe out of his belt and hefted it. "Someone oughta teach you some  _manners…"_

Lana ran back to her family, and they all shuddered as they heard the Axeman's heavy footsteps coming up the stairs.

" _He's coming… He's COMING!"_ Lola said in a near-panic.

Meanwhile, the gears in Lana's head were turning as she thought about what the Axeman had just said. "He's coming… for  _me!"_  With a determined but resigned look on her face, she turned to the others. "Guys, go. I'll distract him."

Lana's siblings and father were appalled.  _"What?!"_

" _This is NOT up for debate! Go!"_  Lana drew her hammer out of her overalls – she kept her tools on her person at all times – and turned around, ready to face the maniac that had been terrorizing her family. "I'll catch up –  _now GO!"_

The Axeman came to the head of the stairs, and Lana rushed at him, landing one quick strike on his side before running past him and landing another blow on the back of his knee. He fell to his knees, and turned to see his assailant run into Luna and Luan's room.

" _Ow… Fucking… You little…!"_  the Axeman muttered as he got to his feet and went after Lana, angered.

Lola, fearful for her twin's safety, reached out. "Lana,  _no –!"_

Lincoln, however, saw the opportunity and took it, grabbed her by her outstretched arm. "There's no time – we have to go,  _now!"_  He motioned to his father. "Dad,  _go!"_

As Mr. Loud stumbled toward the stairs, Lincoln, Lucy, and Lola ran to the air vent. Lincoln opened the grate, and motioned to Lucy. "Lucy, you lead the way!" he said.

He boosted Lucy into the vent, then motioned to Lola. "Lola, you're next!"

He boosted Lola into the vent, then looked into Luna and Luan's room, where Lana was busy hammering the Axeman and dodging his axe swings and attempts to grab her, destroying much of the room in the process.

"Lana, let's go!" Lincoln called.

Lana heard Lincoln and tried to run past the Axeman, but she misjudged her timing – the Axeman grabbed her by the back of the collar of her shirt.

" _Bitch…"_ The Axeman pulled Lana back, throwing her to the ground.  _"Fucking BITCH!"_

He put one knee on Lana's chest, pinning her down. As Lana opened her mouth to scream, he drew his knife and jammed it into her mouth and down her throat.

" _Choke on it!"_  the Axeman shouted.  _"CHOKE ON IT!"_

He twisted the knife and pushed it deeper down, until only the handle was sticking out of Lana's mouth. As he got up, Lana feebly grasped the knife's handle in a vain attempt to pull it out, choking to death on her own blood. The Axeman turned around to look at the horrified Lincoln, who quickly turned tail and scrambled into the vent, the Axeman's grasping hands only inches behind him.

" _You can run, kiddo,"_  the Axeman taunted,  _"but you can't hide!"_

With the Axeman's laughter ringing in his ears, Lincoln followed the clatters reverberating down the vents to his sisters. Lucy managed to kick the grate leading to the outside open as he arrived, and she peered out the opening.

"Do you see any traps?" Lola asked.

Lucy scanned the ground below the vent, then shook her head. "I don't think so…" she said.

Lucy saw the backdoor swing open and her father stumble out. Lincoln was right – the backdoor wasn't trapped. She waved to Mr. Loud. "Dad! Up here!"

Mr. Loud looked up at her, then reluctantly went around the spears beneath Lola and Lana's window (with Luna's body still stuck on them) and stood underneath the vent with his arms outstretched. "Okay, honey,  _jump!_ I'll catch you!"

Lucy carefully climbed out of the vent, hanging from it, then dropped into Mr. Loud's arms. Lola and Lincoln followed her, and the surviving Louds assembled in the backyard.

"O… Okay, are we all here?" Mr. Loud asked.

Lola looked back at the vent. "Hey… where's Lana?" she asked.

Everyone looked at Lincoln, who closed his eyes sadly. "Lana… she…" He shook his head, fighting back tears.  _"…She's not coming."_

Mr. Loud and Lucy gasped quietly, then shut their eyes as well. Lola looked from face to face, confused.

"What…? Wh-What do you mean, 'she's not coming'? Wh- _Where is she?!"_

Lincoln knelt and grabbed Lola by the shoulders. "Lola, she's  _gone,_  okay? She's  _gone!"_  He stood up. "Now… Now  _come on!_  We have to get out of here!"

Lola planted her feet in the ground and adamantly shook her head.  _"No!_  I'm not leaving without Lana!"

"Lola, don't you get it?! She's –"

Lincoln was interrupted by the sound of a baby crying coming out from Lola and Lana's open window. Everyone adopted a look of horror as they remembered a certain Loud that had been put to bed early that night.

" _Lily! WE FORGOT LILY!"_


	5. The Clim-Axe

_“Aaaahh!”_ Lola cried, holding her head, pacing rapidly back and forth. _“Lily’s –! We’ve gotta –! But –! I d—! WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?!”_

“We have to go back! _We have to save her!”_ Lincoln said.

Lucy started shaking. “N-No… He’s… He’s back there…”

Lincoln grabbed Lucy by the shoulders. “Lucy, we can’t leave Lily to _die!_ Come on!”

But Lucy shook her head. “I can’t… I can’t go back in there…”

Lincoln huffed, letting go of his sister. “Fine. If you’re so scared, stay out here. I’ll go get Lily.”

As Lincoln turned to head back into the house, Lucy grabbed his arm. “No, Lincoln! He’ll kill you too! Please… Please don’t go…”

“He’s _not_ going.”

The surviving Loud children turned to their father, who stood up straight, determined. “Lincoln,” Mr. Loud said, “take your sisters and go to a neighbor’s house. Call 9-1-1. _I’ll_ get Lily.”

“W- _What?!_ Dad –”

_“End of discussion.”_   Mr. Loud put a hand on Lincoln’s shoulder. “Lincoln, you and your sisters are outside, and you’re _safe._ Promise me…” He made Lincoln look at him. _“Promise me_ you’ll keep your sisters safe.”

Lincoln looked at his father, tears in his eyes, then reluctantly nodded. “O-Okay, I will. But Dad –”

Mr. Loud hugged his son. “Don’t worry, Lincoln. I won’t let anything happen to Lily.”

“Or Lana!” Lola said.

Lincoln broke the hug with Mr. Loud and looked at Lola. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, and knelt to Lola’s level, placing his hands on her shoulders and looking her straight in the eyes.

“Lola,” he said, “Lana’s dead. She’s _dead,_ do you understand? I saw it happen.”

Lola stared back at Lincoln, her expression blank. “Wh… _What…?”_

“You can’t save her, Lola…” Lincoln stood up. “…but you can still save yourself.” He nodded at his father. “I won’t let anything happen to them.”

Mr. Loud nodded back. “Good. Now, girls, listen to your brother, and do as he says. Don’t worry about me – I’ll be right back!”

With that, Mr. Loud turned around and headed back into the house to confront the Axeman and save his youngest daughter. Lola reached out to him as he left.

_“Daddy…!”_

“Let him go, Lola,” Lincoln said. He was worried about Lily and his father, too, but now, he had an obligation to keep his other two sisters safe. “We have to go. Come on!”

As Lincoln led the way around the house, Lucy followed him closely, but Lola lagged behind before stopping altogether. She looked back up at the house. She wouldn’t – no, _couldn’t_ – believe that her beloved twin sister was dead. Surely, she thought, Lana was still alive, running from the murderous man inside. Perhaps she was injured? If so, then she needed Lola’s help now more than ever!

Lola took one last look to make sure Lincoln and Lucy were not paying attention, then slipped away, back into the house…

(…)

Lily sat in her crib and wailed, demanding to be fed. She fell quiet as she heard footsteps approaching, thinking that one of her parents or siblings had heard her and was coming to her aid. Instead, she was greeted with the sight of a strange man, dressed all in black and with a strange white face, come into the room.

Lily babbled curiously. Who was this strange man? Was he friendly? His face was sort of scary… Lily whimpered as the strange man came closer, eventually coming to loom over her crib.

The baby began to cry. The tears started flowing faster as the man slowly reached into the crib, but to Lily’s surprise, the man gently stroked her cheek.

_“Shhh…”_ the Axeman cooed, “don’t cry, little girlie. It’s okay… _Shhh…”_

Lily gurgled uneasily. The man’s touch was unfamiliar, but reassuring. The Axeman reached over, picked up a teddy bear, and made it dance in front of her. She smiled, giggling.

The Axeman made the teddy bear march up to Lily, who fell backwards onto her back. She clapped her hands, amused, as the Axeman set the teddy bear down next to her.

As Lily laughed, the Axeman laughed along with her, ecstatic. He initially had his reservations about killing, or even harming, a baby, but the more he thought about it, the more he warmed to the idea. Here, lying before him, was the perfect victim. Completely helpless, and completely unaware of the danger he posed. He imagined what kind of screams she would make as he cut her open, how they would differ from a baby’s normal crying, what she would look like on the inside… and it made him desperate to find out.

Lily’s gut growled, and she began to whimper again. She may have been pleased with the Axeman’s display, but she was still hungry.

_“Awww,_ poor baby…” the Axeman said. He raised his axe. _“I’ll give you something to cry about.”_

At that moment, Mr. Loud rushed into the room, just in time. As he saw the Axeman raising his axe above Lily’s crib, something came over him – something that felt a lot like anger. No, not anger – a burning, explosive _rage_ that only a father who sees his child in danger could possess. Adrenaline flooded his veins, and time seemed to slow down. Mr. Loud widened his stance, bent his knees, and zeroed in on his target.

It was time to avenge his family.

_“NOOOOOO!”_

The Axeman turned his head just in time to see Mr. Loud charging at him like a linebacker. Mr. Loud smashed into the killer like a freight train, driving him all the way to the wall, leaving a huge dent. Barely a millisecond passed before Mr. Loud followed up with a series of hard punches to the Axeman’s gut, and when the Axeman attempted to guard this area, he moved up to the head.

_“NOT MY BABY!”_ Mr. Loud bellowed. _“NOT MY BABY! **NOT! MY! BABY!”**_

The Axeman reeled from the furious blows, desperately trying to form a defense. This was not like the fight with Lynn earlier. Mr. Loud was bigger, heavier – his blows had more weight behind them. He knew he had to get away before it was too late to fight back.

 Mr. Loud grabbed him and threw him at Lisa’s bed, his head colliding with the wall and leaving another large dent in the plaster.The Axeman mustered his wits and rolled away before Mr. Loud could jump on him. Still dazed, he looked around for his axe, and saw it lying on the floor. Mr. Loud followed his gaze to it, however, and picked it up first. The Axeman rolled out of the way again, avoiding a brutal chop from the axe, then staggered to his feet. Mr. Loud pried the axe out of the floorboards and swung at the Axeman’s head, but he ducked just in time. Another swing of the axe backed the Axeman up against the wall, and as Mr. Loud wound up for one last hard chop, the Axeman sidestepped at the last possible moment, and the axe slammed into the wall and stuck there.

As Mr. Loud furiously tried to pull the axe loose, the Axeman saw his opportunity to counterattack. As he debated what to do, he realized that he had forgotten about the knife still stuck in his belt in the excitement. He drew the knife and crept up behind the straining Mr. Loud.

_“Heh…_ Not bad, old man…” he said sincerely, before drawing the blade across Mr. Loud’s throat, slashing it open.

_“…but still not good enough.”_

Mr. Loud hardly noticed the Axeman’s cruel chuckling, nor did he notice the gash in his throat until it became hard to breathe. He began to hack and cough, and when he reached down to find out what was making his shirt feel so warm, he felt the blood gushing out. Warm, coppery blood flooded his trachea, and he began to choke. The realization came slowly, but it came:

He was dying.

With that knowledge, the only thing he had left to do was make sure that Lily would be safe. He stood in place, regaining his bearings, then stumbled over to Lily’s crib and tried to pick her up, only to find his fingers stiff and clumsy. He heard the Axeman’s heavy footsteps behind him, and he knew what he intended to do. Looking down at Lily, smeared and spattered with his blood, he stroked her cheek, then clasped one hand over his open neck wound and managed to croak:

_“Daddy… loves… you…”_

The Axeman, having pried the axe out of the wall (and being silently impressed with how deeply Mr. Loud had embedded it in there), came up beside Mr. Loud, raised the axe, and brought it down on the back of his neck.

The blow severed Mr. Loud’s spinal cord, but the Axeman wasn’t finished. Two more blows left Mr. Loud’s head dangling from a strip of flesh, and yet another blow severed that, too.

Lily cried as her father’s head landed on top of her, and she cried harder as his neck stump sprayed blood all over her and her teddy bear. The Axeman relished the sight, but at the same time couldn’t help but almost feel something like regret. Mr. Loud had given him a good fight. He almost felt bad for killing him.

But the feeling passed as quickly as it had come.

As the Axeman watched Mr. Loud’s body slump to the ground, he noticed Lola standing in the doorway. She had gone upstairs to find Lana, and… she certainly did find her. Her screaming went unnoticed by the Axeman as he brawled with Mr. Loud, and when she came to find her daddy, she watched with awe, then horror, as he fought the murderer terrorizing her family and lost. Lola yelped when the Axeman noticed her, and as he advanced on her threateningly, an idea formed in her head.

“G-Go ahead,” she said, “k-k-kill me. It’s too late, though – Lincoln and Lucy are gone, and they’re getting help!”

The Axeman snorted. “Nice try, girlie. You’re not going anywhere – I’ve covered all the exits.”

“Including the _backdoor?”_

“…What?”

The Axeman turned and rushed to the window, opening it and peeking his head out. To his horror, he saw Lincoln and Lucy talking to a neighbor. _“No!”_

He pulled his head back inside and spun around, ready to rush out the backdoor, when he saw Lola trying to pull Lily out of the crib. The Axeman gritted his teeth. The secret might be out now, but it wouldn’t save her.

The Axeman stormed over and slapped Lily out of Lola’s arms, bouncing her back into the crib, then grabbed Lola by her long blonde hair and hoisted her into the air, kicking and screaming.

“You think you’re a little princess, don’t you, girlie?” he growled. “Well, you’re _not._ You’re just a _pretender._ And do you know what they did to pretenders…?”

Lola simply looked at him, fear and confusion in her eyes.

Grinning sadistically, the Axeman carried Lola over to Lisa’s bed and slammed her against it, bending her backwards so that her neck was resting on the footboard, exposed. The Axeman raised his axe.

_“Off with her head!”_

He brought the axe down on Lola’s neck, cutting her screaming short. Her neck was not as thick as Mr. Loud’s – one more chop was all that was needed to separate her head from her shoulders. Lola’s headless body slid to the floor, blood spurting from the neck like a geyser. The Axeman held up Lola’s severed head, admiring his handiwork.

But there was no time to lose. The Axeman debated whether or not to kill Lily now, but he realized that if he did, he would have to be quick, and there was no fun in that. The baby wasn’t going anywhere – the real problem was the boy and his sister, spilling the beans on him and most likely contacting the authorities. Carrying his axe in one hand and Lola’s head in another, the Axeman left the room and headed down the stairs, towards the backdoor.

He didn’t care if he got caught by the police – he wasn’t going to let those two get away.

(…)

Lincoln and Lucy ran as fast as they could, going around the razor wire trap the Axeman had laid beneath both the kitchen window and Lincoln’s window and making a beeline for the house of their closest neighbor, Mr. Grouse. Lincoln and Lucy ran up to his door and started hammering on it.

_“Help! Help! Mr. Grouse, HELP!”_ Lincoln cried.

Lucy barely raised her voice, but the fear and desperation in it could not be mistaken. “Please! Let us in! _Let us in!”_

The two surviving Loud siblings continued to cry and plead in that manner for a few minutes more, but no response came from within the dark house. The two were almost ready to give up and move on to the next house when they heard a cantankerous old voice above them:

_“LOUDS! What’s with all the dang racket?!”_

Lincoln and Lucy looked up to see Mr. Grouse sticking his head out the window above them, wearing a nightshirt and nightcap. They had woken him up. Lincoln and Lucy begged him to open the door, and Mr. Grouse shook his head and went back inside, trudging down the stairs and opening the door, grumbling angrily all the while. Lincoln and Lucy frantically talked over each other trying to explain the situation.

Mr. Grouse held his hands up. “Whoa, whoa, _whoa!_ One at a time, _one at a time!_ Sheesh…”

Lucy looked at Lincoln, who started over. “There’s… There’s a man in our house, and… and he’s killing _everyone! Please,_ our phones aren’t working, we just got away – we have to call the police!”

Mr. Grouse’s eyes widened, then narrowed suspiciously. “Wait a minute… Oh, _I_ see what’s going on here!” He pointed at the two of them. “This is another one of your ding-dang April Fools’ pranks, isn’t it?!”

Lincoln shook his head rapidly. _“No!_ Nonono, it’s _not_ a prank, I swear! _Please,_ Mr. Grouse, we have to call the police _now,_ before he gets to Lily!”

“Ah, leave it out, Loud!” Mr. Grouse said. “I’m not gettin’ involved in your crazy April Fools’ nonsense –  ’specially not after that last time…” He shuddered at the thought. He grabbed the front door and prepared to close it. “Now _good night to ya!”_

But Lucy and Lincoln did not escape from a vicious psychopath to have the door slammed in their face when they came begging for help. They ran past Mr. Grouse into his house, ignoring his protests.

Lincoln and Lucy looked around the house in a near-panic. _“Phone… Phone… Where’s the phone?!”_ Lincoln said.

He tried to recall the last time he was in Mr. Grouse’s house, and he remembered that the phone was in the kitchen. He dashed into the kitchen, picked up the phone, and dialed 9-1-1.

As Lucy ran into the kitchen after Lincoln, and Mr. Grouse came after her ordering the Louds to get out of his house, a woman’s voice came in from the other end of the line.

“9-1-1. What’s your emergency?” the woman asked.

“Please…” Lincoln said, _“please…_ help… Help us… Help…”

“Young man, please, calm down and tell me what the problem is.”

Lincoln gulped. “There’s… There’s a man in our house… with an axe! He… oh, God… H-He killed my mom, and-and my sisters, and-and-and now he’s coming after us! _Please,_ help!”

_“Shhh…”_ the woman said, “it’s all right, young man, don’t worry. Help is on the way. First, you need to give us your address so –”

The voice cut out suddenly. Lincoln blinked, unsure about what had just happened. “H… Hello?” He flashed the telephone hook. _“Hello?!”_

Lucy stepped forward. “Lincoln… w-what happened?”

Lincoln’s expression became vacant as he guessed what had happened to the phone line. “I… I lost them…”

Mr. Grouse walked up, snatched the phone out of Lincoln’s hand, and slammed it back into its place on the wall. “All right, Louds, you’ve had your fun! Now _get out of my house, already!_ This prank’s gone far enough!”

“Mr. Grouse, this is _not a prank!”_ Lincoln said. “Lucy, Lola and I barely got out of there with our _lives!_ We watched him –” Lincoln looked at his sole remaining sister and realized that in his haste to fetch help, he had overlooked the absence of another sister.

“Hey… where’s Lola?”

As if answering him, Lola’s severed head came crashing through the kitchen, bouncing off of Lucy’s legs and rocking to a stop at her feet. As Lucy screamed in monotone, Lincoln covered his mouth and sank to his knees.

“Lola… _no…”_ Lincoln said. Another one of his sisters had died, on _his_ watch this time.

Mr. Grouse stared at the head, slowly coming to the realization that it was real. “Wh… What the –?”

He was interrupted by the Axeman kicking the backdoor open and stepping inside. As Lincoln and Lucy screamed, Mr. Grouse stood gaping at the Axeman like a deer in headlights.

“Mr. Grouse, _look out!”_ Lincoln shouted.

But his warning came too late – before Mr. Grouse’s mind could register that he needed to act _now,_ the Axeman swung his axe around in an overhead arc, bringing it down on Mr. Grouse’s head. Mr. Grouse fell to his knees, and another heavy blow from the Axeman brought him to the floor.

Lincoln and Lucy watched in horror as the Axeman hacked Mr. Grouse’s body apart, splattering them with blood, then froze when he turned his gaze to them after he was finished. They could see the rage and insanity in his eyes, and they knew it was focused on them.

The two siblings turned and ran, screaming. The Axeman was after them again – and this time, he meant _business._

In a confined space like the house, there was no need for quick movement, but now Lincoln and Lucy found out just how fast the Axeman could run. He chased them out the door and cut them off as they ran down the street, forcing them down their driveway. The Axeman herded the kids into the backyard, and they had nowhere else to go but back into the house, exactly as the Axeman intended.

Lincoln and Lucy ran through the kitchen, through the dining room, and up the stairs, past the corpses of their family members. They heard Lily crying and rushed to her room, where they were treated to the sight of Lola and Mr. Loud’s headless bodies.

“Oh, Dad…” Lincoln moaned as he approached the crib. Gently and reluctantly moving Mr. Loud’s body aside, he looked into the crib. “Well, at least _you’re_ okay, Lily – well as ‘okay’ as a baby covered in blood can be…”

Lincoln and Lucy heard the heavy footsteps of the Axeman downstairs, and Lincoln rushed to close and lock the door. Lucy shuddered at the noise before slumping her shoulders and hanging her head.

“Lucy?” Lincoln said. “What’s the matter?”

“Lincoln…” Lucy looked at him. “…It’s _over._ We tried _everything_ – the windows, the door, the vents – and look at us! We… We’re right back where we started.” She turned her head to the window. “Maybe… Maybe we should just _jump._ You know? Jump out the window. I know he set traps under there, but… at least we’d be dying on our own terms –”

Lincoln marched up to Lucy and slapped her. The young goth put a hand on her reddening cheek and looked at her elder brother, shocked.

_“Stop it!”_ Lincoln said. _“Get a hold of yourself!_ Do you have any idea how _selfish_ you sound right now? Lily is still alive, Lucy – we have an obligation to protect her!”

“We… We could do it with her–”

_“Shut up!”_ Lincoln barked. Lucy cowered and obeyed. “We have an obligation to the rest of our family, too – an obligation to _stay alive_ – for _them!_ Do you think they would want us to just give up and throw our lives away?!”

“No – but they’re all _dead!”_

_“So what?!_ That doesn’t change anything! We are _not_ giving up, Lucy – not _now,_ not _ever!_ We have to survive this! And we _will!”_ He put one hand on Lucy’s shoulder and made her look at him with the other. _“We. Will.”_

Lucy’s lower lip quivered. “But… how?”

Lincoln closed his eyes, thinking. Running didn’t work, and neither did hiding. That only left one option. He looked hard at Lucy.

_“We have to fight back.”_

(…)

The Axeman stepped into the kitchen, making sure to close the backdoor behind him. That had been too close – any later, and the children would have reached the cops. For all he knew, they may have _already_ reached the cops. He couldn’t take any more chances.

He took what he needed from the kitchen and got to work. He covered the dining room, the living room, and Mr. and Mrs. Loud’s room. As the Axeman was heading back to the kitchen for more rags, he heard a voice from upstairs:

_“Hey, skull-face!”_

The Axeman turned to see Lincoln standing at the top of the stairs. “What are you waiting for, huh? _Come on!_ I’m _right here,_ come and get me! C’mon, _chickenshit!_ C’mon, _pussy!”_

Lincoln hurled every insulting profanity he knew at the Axeman, trying to rile him up. It worked, although the Axeman did not show it openly, instead merely hefting his axe and saying, “Well, if you insist…”

Lincoln ran down the hall and into Lisa and Lily’s room while the Axeman came up the stairs trying to think of the most horrible way to murder him. He came up to the doorway to Lisa and Lily’s room and saw Lucy standing inside, scrying with her crystal ball.

“Do you know what I see in your future?” Lucy said.

The Axeman cocked his head – he wasn’t expecting this. “Huh?”

“I see…” Lucy looked at him. _“…pride before a fall.”_

The Axeman grinned, advancing on Lucy. “That’s cute. Now _where’s your brother?”_

Lincoln stepped out from behind the door. “Right _HERE!”_

 The Axeman turned around just in time to see Lincoln swinging Lynn’s Little League bat at his head. The blow connected with a resounding _crack,_ sending the Axeman reeling. Lincoln didn’t allow the Axeman time to recover as he swung the bat again, smashing it against the Axeman’s skull a second time. When the Axeman staggered back towards her, Lucy kicked him in the back of the knee, knocking him down and leaving him sprawling on the floor.

Still Lincoln did not relent, beating on the Axeman as hard and as fast as he could. The Axeman could not do anything except curl into a tight defensive ball. This was not at all like the fight with Mr. Loud, or those with Lana and Lynn. Lincoln was not as strong as Lynn or Mr. Loud, but he had a bat, and he knew how to use it. He hammered on the Axeman’s knees, and when the Axeman reached down to defend them he moved back up to the head. Back and forth Lincoln attacked the Axeman’s vulnerable spots in this manner, until the Axeman was laying on the floor unmoving, not making a sound, with a blood pool spreading from his head outwards.

Lincoln leaned on the bat, panting from the exertion. Lucy cautiously sidled up to him.

“I-Is he… dead?” she asked.

Lincoln took a few more gasps for breath, then picked up the bat and beat the Axeman several more times in the head. When he was finished, he mopped the sweat from his brow and said, “That oughta do it.”

Lucy looked at Lincoln, beginning to feel hope again. “Is… is it over?”

“Not yet. Grab Lily, and let’s get out of here.”

Lucy lifted Lily out of the crib, and the three siblings headed for the stairs – but Lincoln stopped them suddenly.

“W-What’s the matter?” Lucy asked.

Lincoln didn’t answer. Lucy nudged him. “Lincoln…?”

Lincoln continued to stare blankly down the stairs. “…Fire.”

“What?”

A wave of heat washed over Lucy. She looked down the stairs, and saw the flames dancing below.

_“Fire…!”_ Lincoln looked at Lucy, wide-eyed.

_“HE SET THE FUCKING HOUSE ON FIRE!”_

The fire started climbing the stairs, and the smoke started to reach the three children. Coughing, Lincoln took Lucy’s hand and led her into Lori and Leni’s room. He ran over to the window and opened it, beckoning to Lucy.

“Come on!” he said.

Lucy looked askance at him. “What…? But the windows are trapped!”

“We can’t stay in here! The roof is our only chance!”

Lincoln climbed out the window and beckoned to Lucy again. Lucy didn’t like it, but she didn’t see any other option. She ran over and gingerly climbed out the window, holding Lily close. Lincoln slid his baseball bat into his shirt collar like a sword into its sheath behind his back and jumped up and grabbed the rain gutter, pulling himself up with impressive upper body strength and then lying flat on his belly, reaching down.

“Now Lily!” he said.

Lucy handed Lincoln their baby sister, and as he lifted her up, Lucy was suddenly treated to a sight that left her speechless:

The Axeman was in the doorway, bloodied but alive, and glaring at her.

_“H… He’s… not… human…”_ Lucy whispered.

Once he was certain that Lily was safely up, Lincoln looked back down. “What? Come on, Lucy, give me your hand!”

He reached down again, and as the Axeman approached the window, Lucy stumbled backwards in fright, bringing Lincoln’s hand into her view. Lucy snapped out of her stupor and jumped up, grabbing Lincoln’s arm tightly. As he pulled her up, he noticed the fear in her eyes.

“What’s the matter?” he asked.

Lucy looked back down, shaking. “It’s… It’s _him…”_

The window was smashed open by an axe, and the Axeman came crawling out. Lincoln yelped, grabbing Lily and rushing with Lucy to the other end of the rooftop, where the razor wire lay below.

Lucy fell to her knees and started hyperventilating. “Wh-Wh-Wh-What are we going to do now, Lincoln? There’s nowhere left to go… _we’re trapped…”_

Lincoln handed Lily to her. “It’s okay, Lucy. Everything’s going to be okay.”

Lucy stared at him incredulously. “Wh –? _How?! How_ is everything going to be okay?!”

Lincoln grinned. “The Axeman just dug his own grave. Our neighbors can think that what happened here tonight was just another one of Luan’s April Fools’ pranks, but they can’t ignore a _fire._ All we have to do is wait until the firemen arrive, and then we’ll be saved. Okay, Lucy? We’ll be _saved.”_

Lucy stared at Lincoln in wonderment. His resolve was simply unshakeable. Then, she looked past him and saw the Axeman pulling himself up onto the rooftop with them.

Lucy pointed behind Lincoln. “L… Lincoln…!”

Lincoln could guess what she was talking about. Closing his eyes solemnly, he pulled his sister in for a hug. “No matter what happens,” he said, “just know that I love you, Lucy.”

Lucy, confused, did not return the hug. “W… Wha…?”

Lincoln broke the hug and tousled Lily’s hair, smiling. “You too, Lily.”

Lily just kept crying – she had been crying the entire time. She didn’t know what was going on, but she was hot and hungry and uncomfortable, and she hated it.

Lincoln stopped smiling and adopted a serious expression, pulling out his bat and turning to face the Axeman. The Axeman brandished his axe at Lincoln menacingly.

“End of the line, kiddo!” he yelled. _“End of the line!”_

Lincoln tightened his grip on the bat. “Yeah – for _you!”_

Lincoln and the Axeman narrowed their eyes at each other as they squared off. Lincoln studied his opponent carefully, reading his body language. The Axeman’s movements looked uncoordinated, unsteady. He swayed to one side before he was able to right himself. It was at this moment that Lincoln realized something: All this time, he had viewed the Axeman as an unstoppable force, but now he saw that the Axeman was just human, albeit an abnormally tough one. He had been weakened not only by Lincoln’s assault on him mere minutes ago, but also by his fights with Mr. Loud, Lana, and Lynn earlier. In peak physical condition, the Axeman easily outclassed Lincoln. Now, however, Lincoln had a chance.

Lincoln spread out his stance, balancing himself.

It was time to go mano a mano with the Axeman.

Lincoln and the Axeman shouted their war cries before rushing at each other, and the fight began. They swung their weapons at the same time, locking them together and struggling to overpower each other. Realizing that Lincoln was gaining the upper hand on him, the Axeman took a risk and took one hand off his axe to deliver a heavy backhand to Lincoln’s face. The blow sent Lincoln spinning, and the Axeman, confident in an easy victory, prepared to throw the boy off the roof. But Lincoln used the dizziness to his advantage, luring the Axeman close enough to surprise him with a spinning swing at his head. The blow connected, and as the Axeman reeled, Lincoln delivered another blow to his stomach. As the Axeman bent over, heaving, Lincoln raised his bat to deliver another blow to the back of his head, but the Axeman grabbed him by the throat and started choking him.

Lincoln dropped the bat and started struggling as the Axeman lifted him up into the air, and as his grip tightened, Lincoln began to look around for a way to escape, finding it in the knife tucked into the Axeman’s belt. Using his foot to kick it up close enough for him to grab it, Lincoln stabbed the Axeman in the arm, forcing him to drop Lincoln, and then in the chest, puncturing a lung. The Axeman swatted Lincoln away and grabbed the knife handle, howling in pain, and Lincoln used the distraction to retrieve his bat, which had nearly rolled off the slanted roof. When he turned back around, he saw the Axeman about to take a chop at him, and he jumped out of the way just in time. The axe was lodged in the roof tiles, and Lincoln took the opportunity to strike the Axeman on the back. Enraged, the Axeman yanked the axe out of the roof and swung at Lincoln again. Lincoln ducked to avoid the blow, then struck the Axeman’s ankle. The Axeman fell and nearly tumbled off the roof, but he stopped himself and jumped to his feet, swinging his axe at Lincoln as Lincoln swung his bat at him. This time, the axe chopped into the wooden bat, and when the Axeman pulled back, the bat was pulled out of Lincoln’s hands. Laughing, the Axeman kicked Lincoln in the stomach, bowling him over, then tossed the bat off the roof.

Lincoln crawled backwards, away from the Axeman. Weaponless, he desperately listened for the sounds of sirens, but the only ones he heard were faint and distant. When he pushed himself up, the Axeman kicked him back down.

_“Lincoln!”_ Lucy cried.

The Axeman uttered a low chuckle as he readied his axe. _“Game over.”_

He raised his axe, and Lincoln cowered…

…but just as he was about to chop downwards, the roof beneath his feet suddenly caved. The Axeman swayed, almost losing his footing, and looked down curiously. The roof buckled again. Lincoln looked down at the Axeman’s feet, then smiled, knowing what was happening.

_“Heh… Heh heh heh…_ You know something?” Lincoln said. “This house was falling apart even _before_ you got here.”

The Axeman fell through the roof, dropping his axe into the blazing attic and clinging to the rotted timbers. Lincoln stood up, watching him, and Lucy joined him, carrying Lily. The Axeman could feel the beams starting to give way. He looked down at the fires below, then up at Lincoln and Lucy pleadingly.

“Help… Please… _Help me…”_ he said.

Lincoln only glared at him. _“Fuck you, you fucking psycho,”_ he said.

“What did I tell you?” Lucy said. She pulled out her crystal ball.

_“Pride before a fall.”_

The Axeman’s handholds broke off, leaving him to fall into the inferno below screaming.

Lincoln and Lucy watched, but couldn’t see anything through the smoke and the flames. Satisfied that the Axeman was gone, they walked back to the other end of the roof together. The sirens sounded closer now, and they figured that it was only a matter of time before help arrived. Lucy extended her hand to Lincoln, and he took it and squeezed it. It was over.

They had made it.

…Or so they thought, as the Axeman suddenly jumped out of the hole he had made, wreathed in flames and screaming at the top of his lungs. Mad with pain and blind with rage, he charged at the Loud siblings.

“Lucy, _look out!”_ Lincoln shouted.

He pushed Lucy backwards, then leaped out of the way. The Axeman tried to stop, but he was going too fast, and he stopped at the edge of the roof, teetering on it. Lucy reached back and grabbed her crystal ball, having painfully landed on it, and got an idea. She stood up, took careful aim, and threw the ball at the Axeman’s head. The ball struck the Axeman right between the eyes, and he fell backwards, off the roof, down into the same barbed wire trap he had laid for the Louds.

The Axeman screamed and moaned pitifully as he struggled to free himself from the barbed wire, tearing his flesh. Lincoln and Lucy looked down at him.

“Should we go down there and finish him off?” Lucy asked.

Lincoln thought about it, then shook his head. “…No. _Let him die slow.”_

Lincoln and Lucy walked away from the scene, as the sirens came closer and closer…

(…)

The firefighters rescued Lincoln, Lucy, and Lily from the roof and put the fire out quickly and efficiently. Once it was safe to go inside, they found the charred bodies of the other Louds, as well as Luna’s body still impaled on the spears in the backyard. Lincoln and Lucy quickly explained that their home had been invaded by a homicidal maniac and started the fire before, relieved at surviving their ordeal, they excused themselves and slept in the ambulance.

A police investigation started, and continued into the early morning. A young detective wearing a trenchcoat and gloves examined the scene as a car pulled up to what used to be the Loud house. A fat, red-faced detective stepped out of the car, hastily flashed his badge at the police officers guarding the scene, and ducked under the barricade tape and into the crime scene. He spotted the young detective inside the ruined house and waved to him.

“Detective Flanagan! _Detective Flanagan!”_

Detective Flanagan walked out of the house and towards the fat detective, looking annoyed. “Well, it’s about time you showed up, Grabowski,” he said.

Detective Grabowski looked flustered. “I-I’m sorry… I-It was a long night last night, and-and-and I slept through the cell ringing, and, well, I…”

Detective Flanagan snapped his fingers. “Spare me, rookie. Being a detective means you need to be ready at all times. If you can’t handle that, you can go right back to pushing pencils at the station.”

Detective Grabowski hung his head. “Sorry, sir…”

“Don’t call me _‘sir’.”_

“Sorry, si – uh, Detective Flanagan.”

“Just ‘Flanagan’ is fine. We’re partners now, remember?”

“R-Right. Sorry.”

Detective Flanagan sighed, wearily beckoning to Detective Grabowski. “Follow me.”

Detective Flanagan led Detective Grabowski through the crime scene. “So, what are we looking at, here?” Detective Grabowski asked.

Detective Flanagan scratched his chin. “Well, at around 9:00 PM last night, we got a call from the house next door to this – _HEY! What are you doing?!”_

Detective Grabowski froze, protein bar in hand. “Uh… having some breakfast?”

“Put that away – you’ll contaminate the crime scene!” Detective Flanagan shook his head as his new partner hastily did so. “How you got through academy I’ll never know…”

“S-Sorry, _sorry!”_ Detective Grabowski took a deep breath, collecting himself. “So, you were saying…?”

“At around 9:00 PM last night, we got a 9-1-1 call from the house next door to this one – _that_ house,” Detective Flanagan explained, pointing at Mr. Grouse’s house. “A kid was on the line, almost in hysterics, talking about a man with an axe killing his family. But before we could get an address out of him, the call cut out. We tried calling the number back, but got nothing. At around 9:30, the fire department got a call about a fire here, on Franklin Avenue.” He gestured to the charred husk of the house. “When they got here, three kids were on the roof of the burning house – a boy and his two sisters. The boy said that there was a ‘homicidal maniac’ that started the fire, and that’s all he said before the three of them went to sleep.”

“A ‘homicidal maniac’… And you think these two cases are related?”

“I don’t _think –_ I _know.”_ Detective Flanagan pointed at a nearby telephone pole. “You see that telephone line?”

Detective Grabowski looked at it. “Hey… the line’s cut!”

Detective Flanagan nodded. “Possibly by someone who didn’t want a certain call getting out? Possibly… We also traced the source of cell phone interference to an unlicensed car parked nearby. Possibly belonging to someone who didn’t want anyone using their cell phones to contact the authorities? Possibly… _probably.”_ He led Detective Grabowski into the house. “Then there’s the case of the bodies…”

Detective Grabowski started. “T-The _bodies?!”_

Detective Flanagan nodded again. “Eleven in total. Many of them dismembered in some way, shape, or form – one head was found fifty feet away from its body, in the neighboring house, along with all the bits and pieces of the owner of the house. Also, one of the bodies was speared on some poles in the backyard. There are death traps like that covering every exit in the house – clearly, someone didn’t want anyone getting out. And clearly, someone put a lot of thought into all this. So, to answer your question, Grabowski…” He turned to look at his partner. “…we’re looking at a case of first-degree arson and premeditated multiple homicide.”

Detective Grabowski turned pale. “Oh, _Jump-Around-Jump-Jump…”_

“Watch your language, Grabowski.”

“Sorry… So, uh, what have we got for evidence?”

“Well, aside from the cell phone jammer, we found a bloody knife on the roof and an axe inside the house – well, an axe _head._ Most likely the murder weapons – we’ll have to see what Forensics has to say about them. Other than that, well… about as much evidence you would expect from an arson case.”

“Any other information I should know?”

“Nothing at the moment. We’ll have to wait for the kids to wake up before we can start questioning them…”

A police officer came up to the two detectives. “Detective Flanagan,” she said, “the children have woken up.”

Detective Flanagan grinned at Detective Grabowski. “Well, _speak of the devil…”_

(…)

Lincoln and Lucy sat in the ambulance, wrapped in blankets and sipping hot chocolate. Lily had been fed and changed by a neighbor with a baby of her own, and she was now sleeping in a (borrowed) baby carrier. Lincoln sighed contentedly. He and Lucy had lost everything – their parents and sisters had been killed, as had their pets (Charles was found in his doghouse, his head caved in with a rock, and Cliff, Walt, Geo, and all of Lana’s pets had perished in the fire), and their home had burned up along with all of their possessions.

But they were alive.

Lincoln turned to Lucy. “Well…” he said.

Lucy looked at her hot chocolate. “Well…”

_“Well, well, well…”_

They both chuckled. Then, Lincoln said, “Well… was that enough darkness and despair for you?”

Despite the joke being in incredibly bad taste, Lucy couldn’t help but laugh. “Enough for one lifetime, I think…”

“Really?”

“Really.”

They both chuckled again. Then, Lucy started sobbing. “I feel so _guilty…_ laughing after everything that’s happened…”

Lincoln comforted her. “Lucy… it’s okay. We made it. We’re alive.”

“And everyone else is _dead…!”_

“Lucy, if you start thinking like that, the guilt will eat you alive. Just think about how, if everyone else is up there…” He pointed at the sky. “…how they’d be happy knowing that we’re alive.”

Lucy shrugged. “I guess…”

“And we have to _stay_ alive – for their sakes, and for Lily’s.” He wrapped an arm around her shoulder. “We’ll move past this, eventually…”

Lucy thought about that. Then, she asked, “But… what will happen to us now? Where will we live?”

Lincoln thought about it. _“Hmm…_ If we’re lucky, with Pop Pop and Myrtle. If not, with Great-Aunt Ruth. But either way… I’m sure we’ll be all right.”

Lucy looked at him. “…Really?”

Lincoln hugged her tenderly. _“Really.”_

Just then, Detectives Flanagan and Grabowski approached. “Good morning, kids,” Detective Flanagan said, stooping down to their level, “I’m Detective Flanagan, and this is Detective Grabowski.”

Detective Grabowski waved awkwardly.

“Now, I know you both have been through a lot recently, but I’m going to have to ask you a few questions, if that’s all right with you…”

Lincoln nodded. “Sure.”

“Okay.” Detective Flanagan pulled out a pen and a small notebook. “So, you claim that your family was killed and the fire was started by a murderer…”

Lincoln shook his head. “It’s not a _claim –_ it’s the _truth!”_

“And I believe you, don’t worry. This is just part of the procedure, son.”

Lincoln folded his arms, sighing.

“Can you describe this man to us?”

“Well… He was dressed all in black – black sweater, black pants, black shoes, black gloves – and he was wearing this Halloween mask – a skull mask.”

Detective Flanagan wrote all this information down. “So, you don’t know what he looked like _under_ the mask?”

“Actually, I do – he took off his mask once. He had, um… a kinda round face and chin, his nose was kinda round and kinda pointy – I dunno, somewhere in the middle… He had brown eyes, and brown hair – or, well, he _did…”_

“He _‘did’?”_

“Well, the last time we saw him, he was on fire…”

“I see…” Detective Flanagan wrote _“severe burns”_ in his notebook. “How tall was this man?”

Lincoln scratched his head. “Uh…”

Detective Flanagan stood up. “About as tall as me?”

Lincoln nodded. “Yeah… Yeah, I think so.”

Detective Flanagan wrote _“around 6 ft tall”_ , then stooped down to the kids’ level again. “Any other physical features you can describe?”

“Well… He was big, bulky – you know, like a football player. Actually, wait – he _was_ a football player! Yeah, he said so! He said he played at Royal Woods High School!”

“Wait a minute, I’m sorry – he _told_ you this?”

“Yeah, you know, when he took off his mask, he started talking to us, trying to mess with us…”

“Really…” Detective Flanagan wrote _“football player at Royal Woods High”._ “So, can you tell us _exactly_ what happened?”

“Well… We were just having pizza for dinner, and then my sister comes in from the kitchen with an axe in her head… We thought she was just playing a prank on us, but then the guy – the Axeman – came in and started killing everyone… uh…”

“It’s okay, son, you don’t have to give me every single little detail yet. So, how did you escape?”

“Through the vents. Our dad got out through the backdoor. We tried to call the police from Mr. Grouse’s – our neighbor’s – house, but the Axeman followed us there. He chased us back into the house and tried to burn us in it, but we survived.”

“I see… And what happened to this… _‘Axeman’?”_

“He fell off the roof, into the… Wait, why am I even telling you any of this?! You should know – he’s there, in the barbed wire, around the side of the house!”

Detective Flanagan and Detective Grabowski shared a bemused glance. Then, Detective Flanagan turned back to Lincoln and Lucy and said:

“Son, we’ve been around the side of the house. We’ve seen the barbed wire. But there’s nobody in it.”

(…)

_(Lincoln and Lucy look at each other, wide-eyed, as “The Axeman” by Omen begins playing (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8WFl4Mo1yM). Cut to the side of the Loud house, where Detective Flanagan leads Lincoln and Lucy to the barbed wire trap. Upon seeing it, Lucy drops to her knees while Lincoln stares, shocked. Shot of the hedges in the background with gaps in them, tilt to the barbed wire in the foreground. On “THE AXEMAN!!!”, focus on the charred mask of the Axeman hanging from the barbed wire. Roll credits.)_

(…)

**Written and Directed by**

**ADAM DODGE**

**Produced by**

**SAM RAMIS**

**WESTON YELLOW**

**ELI ROTHMAN**

**Special Effects Makeup by**

**TOM SAVINO**

**Edited by**

**BOUKEN DUTCH, a.c.e.**

**OMEGA ULTRA, a.c.e.**

**Casting by**

**THAT ENGINEER, c.s.a.**

**Starring**

**SONYA DICICCO**

**as**

**Lucy Loud**

**GREY VAN OOSBREE**

**as**

**Lily Loud**

**BRENDAN STEVENSON**

**as**

**Lynn Loud, Sr.**

**ERIN & ERICA VAN OOSBREE**

**as**

**Lola and Lana Loud**

**LILIAN MURPHY**

**as**

**Leni Loud**

**LAURA JANE SMITH**

**as**

**Lisa Loud**

**NICOLE FETTERMAN**

**as**

**Luna Loud**

**JANET THOMAS**

**as**

**Rita Loud**

**CICI TAMBRY**

**as**

**Lynn Loud, Jr.**

**ANNE TABRIS**

**as**

**Lori Loud**

**CHRISTINE PIRELLI**

**as**

**Luan Loud**

**Introducing**

**GRANT COLLINS**

**as**

**Lincoln Loud**

**and**

**ROBERT KANE**

**as**

**The Axeman**

**Also Starring**

**JOSEPH DIMAGGIO**

**ADAM DODGE**

**GARRETT GRABOWSKI**

(…)

**The Axeman will return**

**in**

**_THE AXEMAN COMETH, PART II: THE AXEMAN COMETH AGAIN: THE REVENGE_ **

**Coming to a fanfiction archive near you, never.**


End file.
